February 13, 2009

Valentine’s Day

First I want to say that I’ve been having so many weird dreams. Good, bad, and neutral.

I love you Nicki. I love you with all the million pieces of my heart. I hope you’re having a great Valentine’s day. With him. I hate that guy. I wish I could bludgeon him to death with a rock while screaming at the top of my lungs that I LOVED HER FIRST. But that would make her sad. And I don’t want her to be sad… I want her to be happy… even if that means without me… and it does.

There is no one in the world that hates this day more than I.

No one.

Hope everyone had a great Singles Awareness day.

Something happened recently that really makes me sad.

I have always looked at my sister’s marriage as a good example of what love is. To me they have been the shining beacon that there can be great love out there. Maybe even for me.

Well yesterday April (my sister) IM’d me saying she had to leave the house for a few nights and she said she didn’t have feelings for Jeremy anymore and how she is considering a divorce because quote “he is everything i want but I am just not feelings anything anymore…”

(Please keep in mind that this is sensitive information personally for both me and my sister).

I’m so hurt. But mostly for Jeremy. He’s such a great guy. And he didn’t do anything wrong. It’s like some sort of universal law of “Nice guys get shafted” exists and is just pummeling the shit out of him. He’s devastated.

So I’m hurt. He’s a great guy and it hurts me to see him so sad. I’m actually a bit angry at my sister for this.

I can accept shitty things happening to me. It happens all the time. But why him? Why other good guys?

Women have just downgraded themselves in my eyes. Now women are Serpents. From this day forth. When I say Serpents (capital S) I mean ‘human female adult’.

And if you don’t like being a Serpent, then you need to act in a manner that earns BACK your title of “woman”.

This way, I don’t fall in love with any other Serpent, assuming I can get over the previous Serpent I fell in love with.

I don’t know what to look at and see as true love anymore. I don’t even know if it exists anymore. I just have my fingers crossed that their relationship can be salvaged.

I hate feelings. I wish I could rip them out of me and toss them into an unending ocean.

I can’t believe how long it’s been since she left my life.

I’m also a bit more upset and on edge as Eric’s birthday is approaching. Just a year ago we spent it drinking ourselves into oblivion. It’s where he said I was his brother. I still can’t believe he’s gone.

I’ve never lost anyone close to me before Eric. I’ve never had grandparents. No close aunts or uncles. Absolutely nothing. I can’t believe how horrible it feels. It’s just terrible.

Especially with the situation. Did he really commit suicide? Why didn’t he say something to someone? I feel like such a lousy friend. I just don’t know how it could have happened. He had so much to live for. A wife and 2 kids. I wish I could take his place. Take the fall for him.

And then there’s my parents. They struggle. In this economy a lot of people struggle. Well apparently they were having foreclosure problems and they didn’t tell me about it. When if they HAD told me about it, I could have sent them money. It upsets me that they would hide information like that from me.

I hate this world. I hate it. I hate it and I wish I could crush it in my hand and feel all the blood from it seep down my arm. There’s just not enough beauty in it to make up for all the bad horrible terrible things.

I’m so frustrated with it all. With Nicki, with Eric, with April. It’s just too much.

I just fear this world is shaping me into an angry, ugly person. I just have to remember that even with all this horrible shit going on. Friends killing themselves, women shattering my heart, and all of my hope and efforts seeming to be in vain… that through all of this… God is still in control. Of all of this. And hopefully He has a plan for me. Hopefully a good plan. And that all of this shit I’m going through is going to bring me closer to Him. Somehow. That’s why this shit doesn’t happen to the rich Bruce’s who never served in the army and is dating a Nicki and has friends who don’t kill themselves… but rather to the poor Bruce who lost 6 years of his life to the army and is Nickiless and lost some friends along the way… to make him stronger and to bring him closer. Because I need to be closer to God than the other more fortunate Bruce’s out there.

De profundis clamo ad te Domine

PS — Another thing I don’t like is when people worry about me. Don’t worry about me. I might be sad and lonely… but I am otherwise fine.

Well at least you went with “Serpents”. The note system doesn’t let me type the name I have for women. And if God is in control then he’s knocked back a couple too many and is definitely swerving over the double yellow lines.

Xenon

February 15, 2009

I’m glad you ended this like you did. There’s definitely more going on in the world than what seems obvious to us. It sucks feeling unable to help others and this whole entry seems full of you wanting to do that, but that’s just another reason to fight the anger and grow in virtue, you know? To be ready to help when the right time comes.

As a brother you have the right to tell me to piss off for saying this – but your sister’s reasoning is stupid. True love isn’t warm gooey feelings. That’s infatuation, and it’s not supposed to be what a marriage is built on – those feelings don’t last forever, they’re just a jumpstart. Real love is when you commit to put another person’s well being before your own.

And when you marry someone you vow to do that with no strings attached for the rest of your life. Well anyway, I hope she decides she’s willing to work on it. I didn’t mean to vent but I think so much pain in families today is caused by bad ides about love and sex that our culture is drowning in. The Four Loves and Theology of the Body should be assigned reading.

opaque

However, as it is written: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him” 1Corinthians2:9 there is a serpent out there for you still.

Sh*t happens to EVERYBODY. It’s easy to look at someone else and think that everything is great but appearances are often deceiving. Many people put a smile on their face and simply don’t share their troubles/unhappiness so you’d never know but honestly, do you really begrudge those others that have been blessed with love and good fortune? Who are you to judge who is worthy and who is not?

Continued from above. I’m sorry to be harsh because I know your hurting and I know much of what you say originates from your pain and trust me, I understand when you say you “hate this world” because I’ve been there but I can also tell you, from experience, that despite all the struggling, good things can and do happen. As far as your family goes, your sister must find her own way but if your…

…that upset about her relationship with your brother-in-law then share your feelings with her. If not verbally, then in a letter. You might tell her how you feel and then close by saying, while you may not understand her choice you will support her in any way you can and share your plans to stay friends with your B-I-L (if you plan on doing so). As far as your parents, they likely did not want..

…to burden you or your sister with their problems. If you were having difficulty would you want to burden them with it? Sometimes people have the best intentions but end up, unintentionally, making choices that complicate issues further. All we can do is the best that we can do. Finally, not all women are serpents (just like not all men are nasty a-holes) and I’m sorry your personal…

…experience has brought you to such a conclusion. Others have left you some good notes with good insight and I hope you are able to draw some comfort from them because they obviously care very much about you. Not everyone has people to care about them you know so count your blessings for I’m sure there are more than you may be aware of young man. I wish you peace and strength.

Just a random noter and sorry to have been so lengthy with my notes. 🙂

I think I hate it more than you, the cursed day I was born, but we could probably argue about that forever. I definitely agree with what Xenon said. Its not always going to be gooey feelings. Its the simple and constant things that really count.