Uncomfortable Confessions. Inability to Sleep/Cope

Another night of being unable to sleep. It’s 4AM. At least I don’t have class tomorrow. If I ever speak to Nicki again… remind me to thank her for all of these nights I lost a lot of sleep, worrying about her; and missing her. Not having class tomorrow makes it okay tonight… but there have been plenty of nights where I got out of class at 1AM and have to be back by 9AM… so I just end up foregoing sleep altogether when I find that I can’t sleep. I can probably thank (/sarcasm) her for a lot of problems I’ve been dealing with. I’m sure she’s sent me back on the ‘Where I Want to Be’ meter by a couple of years.

Although everytime I see I have 1 new email, or 1 new voice mail… I find myself hoping that it’s from her. Finally remembering me. But it never is.

I have a lot to rant about. It never comes out quite right, but that’s something about me I’ve learned to accept. The narrator in my head can speak my thoughts like Shakespeare writes plays, but I can never get them out of my head without them getting distorted. I wish I were better at a lot of things but then again, people in hell wish for ice water but you don’t see them getting that, do you?

I just find that I am extremely disappointed with myself and my life. I don’t like who I am as a person and I don’t like the world I live in. I wish I weren’t so socially retarded. I love you ladies to death and have great respect for you all, but in all honesty, I could never meet any of you in person. I’m just too socially awkward. Words flow out of me online,… but otherwise not so much.

As a kid, it seemed like life wasn’t anywhere near as hard as what it seems to be to me now. Just don’t tell lies, always be nice, do what you feel is the right thing, even in the face of adversity, and everything will be fine and you’ll have lots of friends. I apparently never accounted for ‘feelings’ or just how the world really works.

My life is such a lonely life. I can’t connect with anyone. I don’t think there’s a single person in the world that understands me. I always think I’ve found that special someone, and then that special someone rips my heart out of my chest and smears it all over my life… leaving me falling in the newly formed abyss in my life. Falling forever.

And I hate that I complain too much. Even this diary/entry, is just a giant bitch-fest. I bitch almost as much as a bitch bitches. It’s retarded.

I have absolutely zero control over my emotions and they run rampant and cause all the chaos in my life. I’ve read every single entry that you ladies write, I really do. But because I am so angry at women,… sometimes I’m just too pissed at you to actually leave you a note. How fucked up is that? You ladies didn’t even do anything directly to me… but here I am, upset at you.

It’s just I swear sometimes I completely swear you’re all on a pattern. Sometimes I can predict the outcome of events that happen to you ladies and… I just get angry. Because I saw it coming and… you ladies can do things… I wouldn’t expect you to do… yet expect you to do. I can’t explain it.

But I know that’s just silly. But I just get so angry. I really dislike women right now in my life. In fact, I’ve actually sworn them off. Not like a ‘for the rest of my life’ swear off… but definetly until I am out of school and living a more stable life.

Ha. I’m just another fucked up person in the world of fucked up people.

This next bit is sensitive. I’m not really comfortable writing about this.

When I was really young, like supposedly ‘too young to know better’… I use to do terrible things. My family thinks I don’t remember any of this… but sadly I remember all of it. I was really rotten when I was a little kid. I killed countless kittens and puppies. I drowned them, crushed their heads, threw them into walls, off of buildings, out of trees. I killed a lot of small animals; kittens, puppies, birds (chicks), rabbits…

I feel horrible about it. Even to this day. My family thinks I don’t remember any of that. But sadly I do. I wish I didn’t. But I do.

I still feel guilty about it today. I don’t feel I can ever do anything good enough to make up for the bad things I did as a kid who was ‘too young to know better’.

I really don’t feel comfortable writing about this. It’s very forced. I’m actually afraid of the reactions I could get from this.

I don’t know why, and I don’t know quite when, but eventually I snapped out of my evil kid mode and became the way I am today. Today I feel horrible guilt if I hurt a fly. I don’t want to hurt anything anymore. I feel I’ve hurt more than enough things in my life. I just wanted to be a good person.

But when high school was over and I joined the army… I was put to the test.

And I feel like every time life has challenged who I am as a person… I fail to meet the expectations I’ve set for myself. In some way.

I’m so weak.

Life keeps going. It keeps challenging me every now and then. And I still fail to live up to what I want to be. Sometimes I do good. I don’t always fail. But I usually do fail. I just wish I could always be stronger.

I just want to have someone special in my life. I want to take someone who really needs help and just take away all their pain. And spend the rest of my life making her happy.

I hope this entry doesn’t hurt any of the friendships I have with people on this site.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. Or where I’m going to be 10 years from now. I haven’t been enjoying life. And to be honest I have been considering committing suicide. Not because I am in more pain than I can endure, or that I have problems that I can’t solve, but simply because I am not enjoying life at all.

I dread getting out of bed and going places and doing things. I like having my me-time, so I can sit in solitude and just think. But it’s never anything positive.

The only reason I don’t kill myself is because I don’t want my family to suffer. As strange as this is to ME, I am a treasure to my parents. All parents love their kids. I am no exception. I may not see whatever it is they see in me, but I am a treasure to my parents. I can’t go and kill myself. It would devastate them.

But sometimes I feel like I just don’t care. I figured I could graduate school, try out the game industry. If things don’t improve I could go and buy a handgun and a case of bullets.

Spend a couple of years paying off my loan debt for school. Purchase life insurance. Prepare a will. Pack my belongings into boxes. Withdraw all my money from all banks. Mail the money to my family. Write a farewell letter. Call the police and tell them where they can find my remains. Go outside and shoot myself in the head.

So that would be my plan if I really truly just gave up. But right now I don’t want to hurt my parents.

But I do go home at the end of the day and think to myself “Do I still really want to kill myself?” and the answer almost always comes back as “Yes”. So I guess you could say I’m on the fence on that topic.

My family keeps me to this planet. Nothing else.

Do me a favor, if you’ve read this far… just pretend you didn’t read the latter half of this entry. All the sensitive parts of this entry. I… would feel really awkward discussing this with anyone. I feel horrible enough as it is just living with it. Remember that this OD being public is a privilege. If I feel… provoked or that it’s being used against me… it can go straight to private entries.

~Bruce

Leave this entry off with a Staind song. “Epiphany”

Your words to me just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

‘Cause it’s always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles
‘Cause my words get in my way
I smoke the whole thing to my head
And feel it wash away
‘Cause I can’t take anymore of this
I want to come apart
Or dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart

‘Cause it’s always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than
A little boy inside
That cries out for attention
Yet I always try to hide
‘Cause I talk to you like children
Though I don’t know how I feel
But I know I’ll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed

‘Cause it’s always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said