The Bleeding

This is so how I feel right now.

The Bleeding — Five Finger Death Punch

“I remember when all the games began.
Remember every little lie
and every last goodbye.
Promises you broke, words you choked on
and I never walked away. *It’s* still a mystery to me

Well I’m so empty
I’m better off without you and you’re better off without me.
Well you’re so UNCLEAN!!
I’m better off without you and YOU’RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME!!

THE LYING!!
THE BLEEDING!!
THE SCREAMING!!!
WAS TEARING ME APART!!
THE HATRED!!
DECEIVING!!
THE BLEEDING!!
IT’S OVER!!!

Paint the mirrors black (to forget you)
I still picture your face and the way you used to taste.
Roses in a glass dead and wilted.
To you this all was nothing,
everything to you is nothing

Well you’re so filthy…

I’m better off without you and you’re better off without me.
Well I’m so *UGLY*!!
You’re better off without me and I’M BETTER OFF *ALONE*!!!

THE LYING!!
THE BLEEDING!!
THE SCREAMING!!
WAS TEARING ME APART!!!
THE HATRED!!
THE BEATINGS!!
DISASTER!!!
IT’S OVER!!

As wicked as you are…you’re beautiful to me.
You’re the darkest burning star, *you’re* MY PERFECT *DISEASE*!

THE LYING!!
THE BLEEDING!!
THE SCREAMING!!!
WAS TEARING ME APART!!
THE HATRED!!
THE BEATINGS!!
IT’S OVER!!!
DISASTER!!

It’s over now.“

I miss you, Nicki. =(

I remember a long time ago I had a dream that Nicki killed me. Back then I use to tell Nicki about my nightmares (some are still readable in my old entries). So when I told her about that one we joked it off as a “Don’t mess with Nicki” kind of situation. But in retrospect, I think my subconcious knew long before I did that Nicki would sooner or later leave my life. That she would never like me the way I like her. She would be the death of me. And so far she is. My whole world is slowly turning gray, becoming soundless, flavorless, and numb.

In all honesty, if it turns out I commit suicide, how surprised could you readers really be? You couldn’t be. I’ve been on this downward spiral for a long time. Ever since she left. I’m not saying I’m gonna kill myself anytime soon. But I’m putting it out there that if I do, you guys can’t be surprised.

Besides, if you guys really liked me, or cared, you’d understand that I can’t keep living in this pain. It would be better to “quit now while ahead”.

But, I can’t do that. People don’t want me to do that.

What if Nicki found out I killed myself?

I wouldn’t want her to feel any form of guilt or pity for me. I only want for her to be happy.

Eh. I don’t know where I’m going. That’s just a glimpse inside my head. I think if my life were to be played back like a movie, a good 75% of the critical plot would all take place inside my head.

I am an introvert.

Understatement of the year. And it’s just begun.

I hope I get over Nicki one day. This pain is unbearable.

Her rejection really hit me hard. It really doesn’t do me any favors.

Especially since it’s the same manner as Janice.

Choosing another guy over me.

I *hhhhhhhhhhhate* that.

It’s like saying “I choose this guy because he’s BETTER THAN YOU.”

with Janice.

And then Nicki comes along and says the same damn thing. “I choose this guy because he’s BETTER THAN YOU.”

And then it’s like What’s wrong with me? Give me a chance.

But they don’t.

God. I feel like I’m wasting air, sustenance, and space.

I just have to block it all out. Fall back to areas of my mind still functioning and seal the doors.

I dream of the day I am a perfectly normal, HAPPY, functioning person.

And I feel if I just maintain some form of hope and effort, that each day is one day closer to that dream.

I am the type of person that needs to be with someone to be happy. I think.

So maybe that lets everyone know how long I’ve felt sad.

In my whole life, I don’t ever want to be a burden to anybody, or hurt anybody. I just want to live, and then someday die.

~Bruce