School, Nicki, Feelings, Nightmare

Hello ladies (and Michael),

I’ve been keeping busy with Final Project. Documentation sucks. I hate that I’m back to the drawing board at Final Project. All of my fellow classmates are graduating in July… and I wont get to graduate with them. It’s depressing.

Apparently one of the issues I wasn’t fully aware of is how damn hot it always seems to be when you’re fatter. The indoor temperature of our apartment has always been 75 degrees, which didn’t bother me at 135 pounds, but now at 165 pounds, I’m always hot. It sucks.

I’m only 15 pounds away from my goal weight. =)

My chest hurts. I don’t know why. I think I drank too much soda or something. I don’t have any health insurance though,… so I’m just going to have to suck it up.

I know my readers get tired of reading this,… but I miss Nicki. The old Nicki. The one I fell in love with. But that person is gone. She died long ago, I guess. If I had to guess when, it would be during her Basic Training in the Air Force. =(

And honestly, I died the day she got married. July 21st, 2008.

My chest really hurts. I think it’s some kind of allergic reaction to some food or something.

I wish I could still help Nicki somehow. She doesn’t want me to talk to her. Which is understandable. She’s married, and that’s bad for her marriage. But I know what kind of lifestyle she’s living, and I just want to help. Maybe plant an envelope filled with money at her doorstep or something. Mail cash to her with a fake name or something.

I can’t breathe. This chest pain sucks.

Have you ever looked in the mirror at yourself and seen someone else looking back at you? Like the face is yours but that someone else was really there, beneath your eyes? As if someone was using your face as a mask? Watching you. Observing.

I’ve been thinking about that sort of stuff a lot, lately. I think it’s enough that God is always watching, but now I’ve got voices in my head and strangers in the mirror. I’m going crazy.

I think if I died, other than my family, less than 20 people would show up for it. And Nicki wouldn’t. That’s kind of sad to me; to mean nothing to the one who means everything.

I feel a lot like an animal these days. Especially when I see my skin. I can see the pores and the little section/scale like areas. I see the veins on my arms and my eyes look like cow eyes. And feeling all this pain in my chest/legs/knees doesn’t help.

Oh well.

I had a weird nightmare last night. I dreamt that my family and I were in some weird house, hanging out, and then suddenly this other group of people burst into the house with guns and held us hostage.

While they were breaking in I grabbed an assault rifle (because we were all conveniently armed), but the rifle didn’t have a magazine in it, and there was a magazine in the restroom. So I run to the restroom and as I’m shutting the door one of the gunmen jams the door from shutting and I quickly hide the rifle in a cabinet and then go out to the main room with the rest of the family.

And then after that, the authorities have not at all been notified and no one even knows that we’re being held hostage. But for some reason the gunmen let us travel between the building we’re in, and the neighboring building.

I realize that I have my cellphone in my pocket so I figure I’ll text my friend to call 911, but I was always under constant surveillance so I decide to text during my trip between the 2 buildings. I can only get a few letters into the text per trip, so I make multiple trips back and forth between the buildings.

Then I just decide, What the hell, I’m going to make a run for it. So I walk past the building I was suppose to go into and walk into this nearby Shopping Mall, Well apparently one of the gunmen was hanging out inside the entrance of the mall, and we both spot each other, but he doesn’t know that I spotted him, so I travel into a large group of people, and he starts to follow me and the group of people.

When he’s not looking, I slip out of the group of people and travel in the opposite direction. I figured I only had a few minutes so I sprint through the shopping mall into a grocery store at one end of the mall. I go through the Emergency Exit but for some reason the fire alarm didn’t go off. I didn’t care. In fact, I found that to be MORE convenient, that way he has no idea where I am.

I hide behind a dumpster and call 911 with my cellphone. I explain the whole situation and they ask me where I am.

I have no idea where I am.

So I decide to walk accross the parking lot to the nearby street to get 2 or 3 street names and see if they can figure out where I am. I get the names of a few streets and they conclude a location and say they are on the way.

I knock on a nearby house and ask if I can hide inside while I wait. They let me.

And that’s when I woke up. But I woke up really afraid. I guess I was just afraid for my family.

And now, it’s approaching 2AM, so I’m going to go to bed.

G’night ladies (and Michael).

~Bruce