Rage

At the age of 20, Benjamin Franklin created a system to develop his character. It was a list of virtues to aspire towards. He picked 13 virtues that he felt counteracted the vices he was prone to. These were virtues he tailored to himself.

He chose 13 of them because 13 x 4 is 52, which is the amount of weeks in the year. Each week, he would focus solely on one of the virtues and try to better himself at it… then at the end of the week he would move on to the next virtue. Trying to fix everything that’s wrong with you all at once is overwhelming.

These were his goals:

Temperance. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
Order. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
Frugality. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
Industry. Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
Sincerity. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
Justice. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
Moderation. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
Cleanliness. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.
Tranquillity. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
Chastity. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
Humility. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

It’s an interesting attempt at self-improvement.

I bring it up because I have recently become very much aware of some of my uglier vices, and I would like to fix them. Or at least lessen them. I don’t think I could use Franklin’s method, and I certainly wouldn’t use his whole list. He tailored that list of virtues for himself. Some of those I look at and either don’t feel it’s a problem for myself, or I don’t want to improve that area of my life. Let’s see if I can come up with a list of my own. I will steal the applicable ones from Franklin.

Tranquillity. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
Cleanliness. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.

That’s all I care about. My #1 concern right now is Tranquillity. Everything pisses me off nowadays. I lose my temper too quickly. I have very little patience for bullshit. I streamed some Dead by Daylight this weekend and exploded into a shouting rage after not one, not two, but three rounds against the Doctor, a character that I feel is broken as fuck. So yes, a video game sent me into a rage. And after I was done raging, and I could no longer talk because my voice was gone… I felt horrible. Because seriously? A video game? Why can’t I tolerate bullshit anymore?

I don’t think the solution is to “quit playing the video game”. That’s just avoiding the problem. Other small things can send me into the same rage.

Why am I losing my ability to tolerate things? I don’t know if this is some sort of army PTSD, life PTSD, or just what happens when you get older. I have no idea what the cause is, but I hate it and I want to temper my temper.

The worst part is… I don’t think there’s a fix for this problem. I think it’s a lost cause, honestly.

Starting at 2:48:28 … lasting until 3:34:30 … is me going from good mood to fucking enraged.

The other 2 are minor to me, compared to Tranquillity. Resolution -> Finish the shit I start. I start a lot of side projects, I never finish any of them. I would like to finish something every now and then.

Cleanliness -> Clean up my shit better. My place is always a mess. I need to get it clean, and more importantly… KEEP IT CLEAN.