Public Again

I finally got some pictures of Mona. =)

So now instead of comparing her to things and describing her…

I can show you.

Mona. =)

I love her smile.

See what I mean about her hair? =)

Isn’t she beautiful?

I wish I could read her better. We’ve been hanging out a lot lately. I honestly think we’re back at that stage that we were at before I asked her out. We’re friendly. We’re close. At least I feel that way. I can’t tell with her.

She seems to enjoy my company. But I’m just her friend. And she did dump me. So… I shouldn’t… get my hopes up.

I just wish I didn’t still care.

People don’t understand how hard it is for me to become unattached to the things/people I attach to. Jennrific doesn’t understand it either. Always accusing me of not caring. I do care. I will probably care long after you stop caring, Jennrific. It’s the same for Mona. I’ll care years and years from now, long after she’s forgotten me.

Some interesting news though – I don’t think Nicki falls into that category. I definitely don’t feel any good feelings about her anymore. Just bad ones. Rage and hurt. Now I just have to transfer those feelings from “All Women” to solely on Nicki… where it belongs. Then I think I’ll be healed from her.

I don’t know what to make of this Mona thing. We’re going camping next weekend with some kids, it’s like a “Have fun with the youth” type thing. Obviously that’s not the official title but that’s basically what it is.

I just can’t help but think about her smile. Today we were out by the bay, at a coworker of her’s BBQ for his son (she invited me along), and we were having a good time, and everything was perfect, she was wearing blue jeans and a white Hawaii University shirt of some sort and she looked at me and smiled that smile of hers, and it just hit home. It’s a beautiful smile. I’ll never forget that moment. I’ll never forget that smile.

I wish I didn’t have knee problems. Mona loves to run. She’s always into marathons and 5K’s and half marathons. I’d love to be her running partner. I was pretty decent at it until the Army broke my knees. I could probably do 5K’s with no harm (at my pace), but I could never do a half marathon again. My knees hurt when it gets cold outside… no way I can do 13.1 miles.

I wish I didn’t still feel feelings towards someone who dumped me 6 months ago after a week of dating.

I wish I wasn’t balding and was more attractive.

I wish I could be normal in moving on and unattaching from people.

I wish I could read Mona.

There’s still a lot about her that I don’t know. She has a very… complex past. Part of the reason I don’t know things is because I fail to ask the right questions. I don’t know what to ask. Another reason is that I’m afraid of the answers she may have. I’m tired of hearing unpleasant things happening to beautiful people. And the final reason I don’t ask is because… it’s none of my business. And she may be sensitive about it. But I worry like a worry wart.

I’m almost 30 years old and I still have no control over my feelings. I’m still dealing with these types of problems.

Not gonna lie though. I’m a different person now. Nicki has ushered in a new era for me. I am not a nice guy anymore. That much is clear to me now. That ship has sailed. I am not nice to anyone by default anymore. I have no reason to be. And I feel no obligation to be. And I don’t feel bad about it at all.

Let’s move on shall we?

A few nights ago, I woke up in the middle of the night, just tossing and turning… and I saw this beside my bed.

Now in case you don’t see it… imagine what that looks like when it’s pitch black dark in the room.

It looked like somebody was in my room, just sitting by my bed!

It woke me the hell up and freaked me out. I quickly jabbed at it with my hand to see if it was a person… not sure why I did that… What would I have done if it was a person?!? Once I realized what it was… I … felt better. But I did not sleep well that night after that.

I use to deal with paranoia problems after my deployment. Horrible nightmares.

Sigh. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Oh well.

I’m finally putting my OpenDiary back to public. I feel… I am at that stage again, where I can handle it.

~Bruce