Pain

Working out sucks. I am so sore. It feels like all my veins have burst inside my skin and the blood is just on the other side of my skin ready to leak out. AKA body bruises I guess.

My arms. My abs. My legs. My chest. My neck. My shoulders.

Maybe one day I will accidentally run into Nicki. And she will be like “Oh my God, unlike before, you are suddenly attractive and desirable and everything I could possibly want in a man” and I can be like “I still love you, let’s get married” and she’ll leave her husband for me. And her and her kid move in with me and we all live happily ever after.

I’m just stupid. But we all know I really want that. So if anyone wants to know what to get me for my ReBirthday… there ya go. I want a Nicki.

Until then. I’ll just have to settle with breaking myself daily for her and lying in bed at night thinking about her and living in the past and regretting every mistake I made and going over the What-If’s while I slowly destroy myself in my mind.

I think I’m like a cutter. But instead of cutting myself, I workout until it hurts. I like the pain because it takes my mind off of what’s hurting inside. And I deserve the pain. It’s punishment for my failures. It’s the physical manifestation of my inner turmoil.

But it leaves no questionable scars. In fact, ironically, it’s good for my body. People don’t question a person who works out, because maybe he just wants to have a better body.

I thought of a song that fits my mood perfectly. It’s oldschool too.

—

Hello Darlin — Conway Twitty

“Hello darlin’. Nice to see ya.
It’s been a long time,
You’re just as lovely as you used to be.
How’s your new love? Are you happy?
Hope you’re doin’ fine,
Just to know it – means so much to me.

What’s that darlin’? How am I doin’?
I’m doin’ alright – except I can’t sleep; I cry all night ’till dawn.
What I’m tryin’ to say is I love you and I miss you and I’m so sorry that I did you wrong.

Look up darlin’, let me kiss you,
Just for old times sake,
Let me hold you in my arms one more time.
Thank you darlin’, may God bless you, and each step you take
Bring you closer to the things you seek to find.

Goodbye darlin’, I gotta go now
Gotta try to find a way to lose these memories of a love so warm and true;
and if you should ever find it in your heart to forgive me,
Come back darlin’ I’ll be waitin’ for you“

—

Oh well.

I don’t really know what else to say. I don’t really use my diary as a day-to-day event diary. More like an emotional diary. I always talk about my feelings in here. I think it’s the only place I talk about my feelings.

I bet no one here actually knows what I DO on a daily basis.

I go to class from 5PM – 1AM this month. I workout as soon as I get out of class (usually 1:15AM – 1:30AM) I go to bed around 2AM, wake up anywhere between 10AM-12PM… I do a part of my personal hygiene, I go tan for 9 minutes in a tanning bed… After I get out, I go workout, even when I’m so hot I can’t stand it. Even when I feel like I’m covered in sweat. I workout.

I generally stop working out when my arms start shaking slightly and the veins in my arm are ready to bust out of my skin. My abs never seem to quit first. I have good abs. But I try to hurt them too. Sometimes I find myself just wanting to lay down on the gym floor because I just don’t feel like I have the strength to pick myself up.

Usually by then it’s an hour and a half after I’ve woken up (11:30AM – 1:30PM) so I go back to my room, shower, and conduct the REST of my personal hygiene process.

And then if I have any homework or reading assignments, I do them. Usually I finish in less than an hour.

And then all the way up until 3:30PM I play a game of my choice to pass the time.

At 3:30PM I start to get ready for school. And I leave when I feel I’m ready.

I usually show up at school 45 mins prior to class. Sometimes 30.

The whole time I’m in my room the TV is playing something. Even if I’m not watching it. Noise helps me think. I focus better. And it keeps me on task.

I never go out. I don’t hang out with anybody. I never turn my room lights on. I don’t like the light.

I’m a recluse. A lonely recluse. But I’m a clean recluse. I keep my room clean, my laundry clean, and myself clean.

Sometimes I buy alcohol for the underaged roomies. When they ask. I’ve been their room mate for 4 months now and I know nothing about them, and them nothing about me. Just my name. I’m a private person.

I hate people. I don’t know why.

There. Now you know what I actually DO. It’s boring. I’m boring. But I can’t help that. It’s just the way I am.