Now What? (Another Long Rant)

I feel like the epiphany feeling that came over me a few days ago is slipping away. I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to becoming something better than what I am. I feel like I don’t have enough time, in my life, to make it happen. I feel like I’m already ambushed with so many things I have to do that I’m never gonna fit time into becoming better unless I throw something else important out of my life.

But at least I’m happy. I am happy with my life. It’s a sad life, it’s lonely, and it’s not likely to improve soon… but it’s so much better than my life in the Army. I can honestly say I don’t know how the Army ever expected me to stay in. I felt so worthless and useless and unimportant. Like a slave. Property. It’s not a pleasant feeling.

And ever since I’ve been free, nothing can really stress me out. Nothing. I feel so untouchable by stress. Because I know where I could be had I stayed in.

But I digress. I don’t know what I’m suppose to do. I want to be better. I guess I could list my flaws and work on them one at a time, over the course of my life.

List of Flaws
1. I have an ugly face
2. I’m not witty
3. I’m boring and unadventurous
4. I went from far too generous to far too selfish. Must find a medium.
5. I don’t like myself (but I think fixing the above will help this)
6. I can’t seem to connect with people emotionally. I’m numb.

So I guess I could start with this list. It’s small, and it’s very vague, or at least I feel like it’s vague. And I have no idea how to fix these problems. I wish we lived in a society where it’s acceptable to wear masks. I would wear a mask. And then I’d probably be more like myself. I feel awkward while talking to people in person. And I hate when people look me in the eyes. Really all I can do is get plastic surgery for shit like that.

I’ll figure something out. I hope. I don’t want this feeling to slip away. I want to make a difference or something. Something big, vast, and positive. For others. Not myself.

Sometimes I still consider dropping everything I’m doing and work towards becoming a cop. But not for writing traffic tickets… for protecting people, and saving them.

I want to be a Super Hero! I wish I could roll around in green slime and get super powers. Plus capes are cool.

If I had the income, I would so become the world’s first REAL Batman. =) I think I could dedicate myself to seriously train for being shot at, and stuff.

I’m sorry to everyone that may feel I am distant from them. I’ve just lost my way and I’m trying to define this new person that I am becoming. My life really has changed. Just a year ago my life was so different. Nicki was still in my life, Eric was still in my life, and the Army was still in my life. I had purpose and a reason to live. Now I don’t feel like I have either of those.

And for more information about me that will make me that much more unappealing… For the last week or so, I’ve had a pulsing on my head, about 3 inches up my head from my left temple… It’s been pulsing nonstop with the pulse of my heart. And it’s irritating. It almost hurts. I wonder if I’m about to have a stroke or something? That would be fitting. I have to be honest, I actually wouldn’t mind if I died soon. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the big scheme of things and I could see how it could be my time soon. I’ve done a lot in this world. I helped my parents get their dream home, I helped my little sister pay for classes. I helped the army help the world. I’ve made Nicki happy while I was around in her life. I’ve really… served a purpose in my life. I could see if it was my time to go.

I don’t want to creep anybody out, but if I die I am going to watch over everyone that I care about. And if it’s within my power to help them, I will. That could very well be what my epiphany is all about. Maybe I really am about to die. That would explain why I can’t explain this feeling. And if I do die, I don’t want anyone to cry at my funeral. I know the odds of THAT actually happening are slim… but still. Everyone should be happy that I lived and got out of the Army and was happy.

I believe in Fate. I believe everything that has ever happened, that is happening, and that will happen, is all according to a plan. Everything is written in stone. We are all characters, in a book, playing our roles. Unaware of when we’re going to be mentioned for the last time in the book, just interacting with all the other characters. Every word and thought we have ever had or said, is recorded. We are fulfilling our destiny right now. Even this very moment with you reading this entry, has already been planned. And I would like to believe that in the end of everything, this plan is for some Greater Good that is beyond comprehension.

That belief is so comforting to me. I don’t know why either. It just is. I guess it’s knowing that I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to be doing. That even my mistakes, are not really mistakes. In fact, I don’t even know why people hate the idea of Fate. I think it’s great. I couldn’t imagine having control over my own destiny. I’d… ruin it probably. I wouldn’t feel like I have a purpose.

…Maybe I should get this pulsing checked out. It’s so irritating and it’s been going on for a week now. It feels like a muscle twitch… but it’s on the top of my fricking head. And it does it 24/7, even when I sleep.

I got a letter from the Army recently. Apparently I have to schedule an appointment for “Muster Duty”. Muster Duty is apparently a huge paperwork session in which they reconfirm all the information they have about me. I have to take a drug test, blood test (for diseases and std’s), weighed, measured, and then do paperwork that confirms my legal residence, my age, my social, etc…

And then, the scary part is… they then determine if I am “fit” for continued service.

That’s a scary sentence isn’t it? Let’s read it again.

Well supposedly it’s just a regular casual event that happens for all IRR soldiers and it is in no way connected to deployments.

My theory on this, is that it’s a big recruiting tactic for the Army. They’ll probably call me in, instill a fear in me that I am going to be deployed to Iraq or some horrible place SOON… UNLESS I sign up for 2 years in the Active Reserve! Where I am guaranteed not to deploy for 2 years! (And then they throw in an * that down at the bottom has a huge paragraph of how I’m going to die).

Man my entries have been getting big recently. I can’t believe it. I guess I’m finally feeling able to… talk.

I think I need to go to church sometime soon. But I don’t even know where a church is around here… and if I did… I wouldn’t even know what to wear. I usually talk to God when I’m alone in my room… wearing casual clothes… or just boxers. I have no idea what to wear while around other people…

I think I’ve covered everything.