My First Rant Since The Return

I really don’t know how I’ve survived this world as long as I have. Better men than me have died long ago. I’ve never really felt like a strong person, but perhaps I am.

I think the most surprising death was when Mac killed himself. I really didn’t see that one coming. He had a lot more to live for than I ever have – a family, a wife and 2 kids. I had another friend who just dropped dead a few years ago. It was out of nowhere. He was smarter than me, a much better programmer. It always seems so shocking.

This world takes its toll on me though. 2000 me wouldn’t recognize 2004 me wouldn’t recognize 2007 me wouldn’t recognize 2011 me wouldn’t recognize 2017 me. I am a veteran of life. The older I get, the more I understand that youth is wasted on the young. I would be a scary person if I knew then what I know now.

Life is like a sine wave, with its ups and downs. Constantly fluctuating between the two, ebbing and flowing, good with the bad, happy with the sad. But the sad is really hard to deal with, and during the happy times I feel sad because I know it wont last forever. Nothing ever does.

I recently recognized that I am currently living in “the good ol’ days” right now in my life.

My parents are both healthy and live nearby.
My sisters are nearby and healthy.
I have a good job that I enjoy doing, that pays well, and lets me work from home.
I have 2 cats that I spoil the hell out of.
I spend my free time doing whatever the fuck I want to do.

But it’s because of this realization that I get so sad, because as much as I cherish the moments, I know sooner or later something will change. Maybe my parents will get sick. Maybe someone will move. Maybe I’ll lose my job, etc. etc.

I read a short story once about a guy who was able to make one wish to the gods, and he wished for the ability to know the future. Shortly afterwards he killed himself in despair, because by always having 100% knowledge of the future he had lost something precious – the ability to hope.

People are so fickle to me. They change their minds all the time. That wouldn’t bother me so much if it weren’t for the things they say. I’ve seen people swear off something, or take a sacred vow about something, and then turn around and backtrack about it the next week.

Mostly I’m talking about relationships. People ‘fall in love’ too fast nowadays. Or at least they claim they do. Dating for a week? Oh they’re in love now. In 2 weeks they have a very nasty, very PUBLIC breakup. It becomes very obvious that whatever those two may have felt towards each other… it wasn’t LOVE.

Words mean a lot more to me. At least, when it comes to emotions. I would never tell someone that I love them if I don’t love them. That is a cruel thing to do, if you ask me.

That’s why I don’t like when people compliment me. I feel like they’re just saying shit without thinking about what they’re saying. Just don’t compliment me at all. I’ll just see it as a shallow attempt to manipulate me into liking you. Seeing this kind of shit all the time just makes me lose faith in humanity.

Now, if it’s not about emotional shit, then yea, words don’t mean shit to me. I am a huge fan of hyperbole, I am quite fond of telling people to literally fuck themselves, and how it’s not hyperbole in that I wish for them to remove their penis using their hands and to cram it up their ass… thereby literally fucking themselves.

But at the same time, it’s totally hyperbole. My hyperbole is about it not being hyperbole as I use hyperbole. I don’t actually want someone to horrifically tear their genitals from their body and cram it into their butt. I really don’t.

Still trying to figure out how to rekindle my motivation to do shit with my life. Still have no idea.

I think I might want to start working out again. Not like I use to do in college, where I’d workout every day and take the protein shakes ‘n shit like that… no thanks to that. But maybe just enough to turn my man-boobs back into shapely pectoral muscles. Maybe enough to not get out of breath when I even think about picking up my walking pace.

To be honest, I think this OpenDiary is going to help me with that. I haven’t written for shit since it shut down. It feels good to write again. I tried to recreate my OD as a tribute to it while OpenDiary was down. I never finished it, of course, as I never finish any of my projects. But it was pretty impressive for what I had.

http://bruceariggs.com/od/

I even tried to recreate the theme I had on my OD when it shut down. Stars background, dark blue color, white font. I uploaded my old OD entries into a DB I created ‘n everything. 100% PHP. Maybe I should at least finish it. I noticed a lot of my old OD entries are gone from this OpenDiary…

But I understand why. I am a big fan of coding my entries. I guarantee 95% of those entries had a <script> tag or an embedded song… all sorts of shit that just doesn’t fly in today’s internet world.