Memories

This entry probably wont make sense to anyone but myself.

2003

How cold it was, just showing up to Fort Benning at around midnight. The lights are out in the building. Our driver knocks on the door. I remember seeing the outline of the Drill Sergeant approaching. A Drill Sergeant opens the door and let’s us in. Feeds us the worst midnight meal ever. I didn’t even eat it. Welcome to the Army.

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Getting issued all that clothing, and only being allowed to wear the PT Sweats. At least they helped a little with the cold weather. But it was brutal for my hands. So cold outside. My hands are sensitive to that shit. My head has been completely shaved. And my buttocks hurts from the shot they gave me. Felt like peanut butter. Not knowing who was a friend, who was an enemy yet. Wondering if I made the right choice to join the Army.

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I remember taking my first PT test in Georgia for Basic Training. I was so worried I wouldn’t be able to run a single mile in 10 minutes. I made it though.

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Worst smoke session ever. My arms feel like they are bleeding. Pick up the duffel bag, put down the duffel bag. Cradle it like a baby. I’m a 19 year old boy – I don’t know how to cradle a baby! Losing my hat on the very first day of Basic. First and probably worst mistake. But, at least I didn’t pee on the floor like that other soldier did. End of the day, lying in bed, the entire room begins sniffling. We’re all crying, I realize. I feel a little bit better as I cry myself to sleep.

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All this exercise is making me hunger like I’ve never eaten before. I don’t eat fast enough for the chow time we’re given. I begin putting food in my pockets. Of all kinds. Waffles, cereal, bacon, scrambled eggs, bits of meat. Anything. It wasn’t enough. Started snatching little tubs of peanut butter.

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I’m not strong enough for this. My eyes water up more and more often. I feel like I’m going to break any second. I am not a man at all. I am given the name “Mr. Peanut” by the Drill Sergeant, because my bald head and BCG glasses make me look like… Mr. Peanut.

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The smokers are coughing up black phlegm now. They haven’t had a cigarette in a few weeks and all this exercise is… affecting them.

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Finally qualified with my rifle. Marksman. The lowest possible rank. At least I passed. Time to get off the range. The Drill Sergeants take advantage of this to punch each soldier while ‘checking’ them for ammunition. My turn. “Drill Sergeant, no brass, no ammo, Drill Sergeant”. He pats me down. He punches me in the stomach. Hard. The wind is knocked out of me. I start to cry. Like a wimp. The Drill Sergeant tells me to stop my crying and join the rest of the troops off the range. I feel miserable and weak.

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No longer in the Red Phase. Now we’re in White phase. Everything gets a little easier. We see the Drill Sergeant a lot less often. I start sleeping in my wall locker on Sundays, and attending every church I can. Catholic, Baptist, Jewish, Islam. Anything to get out of there. Sundays are escape days. One soldier gets caught eating a hot dog while out attending an Islam prayer thing. Life sucks for everyone.

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Soldiers start sneaking out at night to find vending machines to buy food. Everybody is starving all the time. Soldiers too scared to go pay $10 for a snicker bar. I sneak out to get my own snacks. Best. Snacks. Ever.

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Finally made it to Blue phase. Almost done with Basic. Everything lightens up, yet again. The war in Iraq begins. I wonder what will happen to me.

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Parents visit for graduation. So does Jonathan. My good friend Jonathan. I eat an entire large pepperoni pizza by myself. I gained 30 pounds. 150 was my weight. The next day, I get on a bus bound for Augusta, Georgia – Fort Gordon.

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Everything is so different here. The Drill Sergeants are all laid back. They even have the same job as me – 74B. Computer nerds. I’m still eating like crazy. So much paperwork. Signing up for my job training. Not sure when I start yet.

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Some of my friends from Basic already started their job training. I was one of the few who got delayed by a week. I spend an entire week doing PT at 5:30AM – 6:30AM, cleaning until 8AM, and then waiting around, attending hourly formations, all day, until 5PM. Then going up to my room and playing on my gameboy Advance.

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The way the sun rise looked on Barton field; a slightly orange sky. The muggy warm temperature and the early morning fog. Why do I sometimes yearn to return to that place?

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The Tekken 2 machine in the shopette. Eating pizza at the little table near that machine. Watching the intro video to that game over and over while I ate.

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Class finally starts for me. My first class is introduction to computers. I already know everything they’re trying to teach me. What a boring first month. Finally start getting into advanced classes. Things become fun. I learn a lot.

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4th of July is coming up. If I want the 4 day pass, I have to pass my PT Test. I take the best PT Test I have ever had in my 6 years in the US Army. Max my pushups (71 in 2 minutes), max my situps (78 situps in 2 minutes), and a 14:30 2 mile run. The day before 4th of July 4 day weekend begins, I am told that I failed the PT Test because I ran a 16:30. I tell them they got my score wrong. It doesn’t matter. I spend the entire 4th of July 4 day weekend cutting grass with scissors in the parking lot. One of the deepest cuts the Army has ever done to me. I swore to never stay in no matter how good or bad things get. I fulfill this oath over 6 years.

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I lose all the weight I had gained in Basic and fall back to 120 pounds. I am once again ‘underweight’ in Army standards. I am sent to a nutritionist. He suggests I eat more. Thanks.

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Graduated Salutation of my Advanced Individual Training. My friend was Valedictorian and seemed to know everything. He gets sent to Fort Drum, New York, where he ends up spending his entire army time (6 years) deploying nonstop to Afghanistan. I get orders for Heidelberg, Germany. My Aunt tells me she was stationed there and that I would love it. She was right.

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I take leave before arriving at my first duty station, I spend a month in Avon Park. I talk to Nicki for what really could be argued to be the ‘first time’. I am so smitten. I don’t get her number or email.

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I show up to Heidelberg, Germany. I meet a beautiful woman named Cole. Her breasts are far too big for her own good. She’s married. She flirts with me anyways. Blatantly. I never reciprocated, but I really wanted to. I have a stick up my butt. I was too serious too often. I don’t really know who I am as a person yet. I’m still ‘finding’ myself. It’s so cold. At least to me. They tell me it will snow here. That will be my first time seeing snow. I am immediately sent to the other side of Germany, Grafenwoehr for a 3 month long exercise. For 3 months, I work the night shift fixing computers or computer problems. I’m so new to technical support that I’m too nice to the users and theybreak their stuff too much. It begins to snow. I have no idea what is going on with the ‘rain’. It was falling far too slowly and weirdly. I thought it was like ashes. Built my first snowman. It gets run over by a tank.

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Falling asleep in my bed. The sounds of the ambulances on the highway. Their sirens are so different from American ambulances. The weather here is so beautiful. Germany is beautiful. The wall is to my left. The door to my right. The windows and computer are at the opposite end of the room.

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2004

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I get about half the year off while working in Germany. The job is great. I’m getting lonely. I become depressed and suicidal. Jonathan is still my only friend. The year goes by so fast. Thanksgiving day I recieve an email. I have no idea how she got my email. It’s from Nicki. I haven’t seen her since the summer of 2003.

Hey, Brucey. It’s Nicki – Brooke’s cousin, friend of Tabitha. What’s up? How have you been I just wanted to wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving. I know Germany can be cold, but you can warm up with this thought-all of us over here miss you. I’m a bit jealous, though, of you getting to be in Germany. I haven’t been there since I was………Well I don’t remeber how old I was, but whatever. Love ya! bye!

I begin corresponding with Nicki. I don’t feel so depressed or lonely anymore. If only I knew how much pain she was going to put me through………

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World of Warcraft comes out. Life forever changes.

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Our unit commander has all enlisted soldiers skip PT today to have a meeting with her. We are to discuss our future plans for our lives. She’s just trying to make sure we’re thinking ahead and taking care of ourselves. I tell her I want to make video games someday. She repeats my plan with heavy sarcasm. Like my plan is a stupid plan. I feel like such a fool. Everybody is just as quiet as if agreeing with her. I never say anything to her ever again.

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2005

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Cole leaves the Unit to go to a new one. I feel very sad. Doing the right thing sucks. I still think about her often. Which I guess is wrong.

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Nicki is told by her parents that they’re moving to Alabama. She spent all of her early life going to school in Avon Park, but for the last 2 years, she will be in a new town, in a new school, for Junior and Senior year. She is devastated. I try to cheer her up. I am secretley despairing too. As I will probably never see her again. I have no reason to go to Huntsville, Alabama.

—

It’s almost time for me to leave Germany. I try so hard to get orders for Redstone Arsenal, Alabama. I want to see Nicki again. We’ve become so close over email and phone. I call every day. I follow up every day. I fill out every paperwork, I cross every t, and dot every i. Success! I am told my orders have been locked in for Redstone Arsenal. I tell Nicki over the phone. We’re both excited. I get my orders after a few weeks. They are sending me to El Paso, Texas. I am devastated. So is Nicki. I will never see her again.

—

I take leave and visit Avon Park before going on to El Paso, Texas. My home town isn’t the same anymore. So very few people are left that I know. I haven’t seen my best friend Jonathan in years. I feel sad.

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I arrive at my new duty station. This army is so different from the army I just left. Everyone here is a dick for no reason. Everyone here finds rank to be critical. Why can’t we just do our jobs like mature people and be done with it? Why is that so difficult?

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I meet a good friend. Eric Mccloskey. But he’s not a good friend yet. In fact, he’s kind of a dick to me. But I don’t take it personally because, he’s kind of a dick to everyone. Turns out he just has a sick sense of humor and finds twisted things funny. Turns out that kind of humor is addictive. I start laughing at dead kittens too.

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Eric convinces me to drink for the first time. I get completely wasted. I throw a bowling ball backwards. I puke all over the hood of a new Mustang. I get thrown out of a club. I almost puke in a cab. I pass out in my bed.

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2006

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My parents ask to borrow $10,000 for a dream house in Lacey’s Spring, Alabama. I loan them the money. I Google the location of the house to Nicki’s location. Her house is literally down the street. We are overjoyed. I put in for leave. It gets approved. I can’t wait to see her again. She’s just as beautiful as ever. We spend all day every day hanging out, playing video games. We spend all night making out. Little did I know this is the closest I would ever be to Nicki. This was the happiest I have ever been. Everything turns to shit between us from this time forward. We are both very sad that I am deploying to Iraq for 2007. We go to her church. Everybody gathers around me, puts their hands on my shoulders, and prays for me. Nicki cries. I feel terrible. I leave with a very heavy heart.

—

I deploy to Iraq. The flight from London to Kuwait is the longest flight I have ever endured. The flight from Kuwait to Iraq is the crappiest. We are jammed into a plane like cattle. People begin climbing over the giant pile of soldiers. Someone steps on my hand. It’s 90 degrees outside, yet it feels cold. Very strange.

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2007

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The only vehicles other than Humvees, are stick shift trucks. Eric teaches me how to drive a stick shift.

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We tear down an entire buildings cables because the unit before us didn’t know how to do their job properly. It was fun, but kept us very busy. We’re working 14 hour days every day.

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I receive a Dear John email from Nicki. She doesn’t want to hear from me anymore. I am destroyed. My NCO takes my weapon from me as a safety. But I am already dead inside.

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Everyone is set up. The schedule begins to relax more and more each day. Now we’re only open 4 hours a day, and even then, we’re playing Command and Conquer – Generals: Zero Hour. I play as China Infantry (Brucidian Army). Eric plays as China Tank (FatBalls), Critt plays as Laser General (Critt), Paul plays as China Tank (MadTrucker). This deployment thing isn’t so bad after all. And Mosul is such a peaceful area.

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A surge in troops is deployed to Iraq. Much of the violence moves north. We lose our first soldiers to an Improvised Explosive Device (IED).

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A soldier takes leave at another base without briefing anybody on how to do the monthly key-changeover for their computer system. Their entire computer network goes down on the 1st of the month. A convoy is arranged and I am driven an hour away to fix some other bases’s shit. I am livid. No IEDs were encountered during the convoy.

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All broken computers in our unit is gathered and we prepare for a trip to another base to drop them off for repairs. We (Me, Eric, NCO) are going by Helicoptor. We arrive and go to sleep. We drop off the computers. There is a McDonalds on base! I have myself a double cheeseburger meal (minus the pickles) with a coke for the drink. And a chocolate fudge sundae for desert. It’s amazing. We get back on the helicoptor to go home. It is night time – the only time the helicoptors fly. The helicoptor begins firing flares – somebody is targeting us with an RPG. Time slows down. The helicoptor turns hard, the gunners are searching with their night vision goggles for any threat. Everything seems fine again. The flares start firing again. The helicoptor turns hard to the right. The helicoptor turns hard to the left. Is this really how I’m going to die? I never even got to get married and have a family. The gunners start firing just to scare whoever’s trying to kill us. Everything calms down. It’s over. We make it home alive.

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I take Rest and Relaxation leave. Feels great to be going home, even for a little while. Pam is picking me up at the Airport. She has a huge banner that says “Welcome home, Specialist Riggs”. People start clapping. It’s good to be home. I want to visit Nicki, or to at the very least talk to her. But I do neither. My heart still hurts.

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Shortly after returning from leave, it is announced that all units in Iraq will stay in Iraq for an additional 6 months. This means my unit will be staying for 14 months in Iraq. Everybody’s pissed. The water supply has run low. We are taking bottled water showers during the hottest months of the year. The temperature is around 140F’s – 150F’s daily.

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I am chosen to be one of the first soldiers to go back early to prepare the home base for the return of the unit. I only spend 13 months in Iraq.

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Plane lands in El Paso, there’s a huge crowd cheering. Burger King has set up a stand and is offering free burgers and drinks. I eat about 4 double cheeseburgers and dual-wield sodas. BK forever wins my loyalty over McDonald’s. A ceremony is held at the airport. We’re too tired to care about the ceremony. Our family just wants it to be over so they can take us home. As soon as the ceremony officially ends, the crowd swarms at us – even at running pace. Families embrace. I feel lonely in a crowd. I get on the bus and wait for it to take me to my barracks room.

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I have 2 weeks to get 200+ computers ready for my returning unit. I am very busy.

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I have a chip on my shoulder around soldiers who haven’t deployed. I begin wearing my combat patch to differentiate myself from them.

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Nicki emails me out of the blue, wanting to be my friend. Like a fool, I allowed it. I secretly love her. She is engaged to Binkley. I am devastated.

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I take leave for Christmas and visit Nicki while in town. I tell her I love her. In the end, that was probably a mistake. Nicki is set to join the Air Force. I promise to write her every day. Twice on Saturday to account for the no-mail Sunday. I worry about her.

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2008

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My knee problems begin. My knees start acting up on me from all the running our 1SGT is putting us through.

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Blegh. I’ll keep working on this later. I’m tired.