In Her Words

Jennrific’s latest 2 entries… they’re about ME. =)

B is back. B…is back. I honestly thought I’d never be able to say that even though 6 months later I obviously still couldn’t truly accept that he was really gone in the first place. I sent him an email. It was meant to be a last final goodbye really. I know I’ve kept saying all along that I wouldn’t message him and then I would a month later or whatever but the last two therapy appointments I’ve had have been brutal. There has been much talk of meds…etc and I just thought it was all ridiculous. It was SO ridiculous how much I had let myself slide. I really did feel like if I kept going the way I was I’d be dead because it didn’t seem to be getting any better and I had stopped caring about everything. Yes, of course I hoped to some degree that he would message back. I’ve always held out hope….but it’s definitely, definitely, definitely not something I actually expected to happen. I thought I had even long been blocked or something possibly. Sometimes I feel like knowing I at least sent messages out there, that even if they don’t get to the recipient…I don’t know. At least I tried and at least what was said was said. It does make me feel better also.

I had forgotten that my privacy settings were on the “off” at the time on my messenger. I did this from time to time in case he did come back and I’m glad that I hadn’t turned them back on because he messaged me. It also turned out that that wasn’t the first time. He had wished me a Happy Birthday which had been a month and a half ago at the time we first talked again and he said there were more messages even. That made me feel pretty crappy. This could have been over a lot sooner if I had not shut down completely. But that’s how I am and this hit me really hard anyway. I thought he wanted me gone and had me blocked anyway so I did everything I could to erase myself so I never showed up again.

The first two days he was around were so very hard for me. I had no idea how to act. I had just spent the last 6 months reliving the last thing I had said to him that I felt caused all of this so I was on edge. I really didn’t want to make any wrong moves. I’ve never been on such eggshells before but it was so crucial not to fuck up. It still is of course I feel when you’ve been punished and punished yourself like I have for so long…I feel I have learned my lesson. But in the beginning everything was just unreal anyway. I didn’t want to do anything to ruin it. I felt like I would wake up and he would be gone again as it was. I wouldn’t put that kind of thing past me the way my mind has been lately.

He was…well, himself. At first. I mean, he honestly made it harder on me when I was trying to talk about what had happened and he just did what he had always done to me. Deflected and acted like he didn’t care it seemed. That was my view of it anyway…but I wasn’t going to stop talking about it. I needed to say some things desperately and you just never know when you won’t be able to anymore. In talking about everything and my feelings over the last 6 months, I finally just admitted to him what everyone already knew. Everyone. And what I had denied over and over again.

I like B. I have always liked him since we were friends in the beginning and he rejected me in my mind. When he did that I didn’t talk to him at first for a bit because I was upset but I came back and we have been friends ever since (minus 6 months.) I think I just buried it because it wasn’t an option. He didn’t like me in that way and I don’t know how I did it because usually when something like that happens I have to cut ties with the person completely but I was able to put it aside and still be friends with him. I think I eventually just forgot about it to a degree as weird as that sounds. I moved on and we were both preoccupied with other things. But we were friends. Re-realizing it and that it was more than before was….I felt so stupid. How could I not know? Especially by my reaction to him leaving…but I’ve also never grieved like that over anyone. It’s all new to me. I think part of it was I didn’t want to feel judged for liking him because circumstances have changed. You can’t help what you feel though. I don’t know. I think maybe I thought if I denied it long and hard enough that it wouldn’t be true. It’s just weird.

After I was just rambling a bit and he got me to confirm it, an odd thing happened. It turned out that he liked me too. Imagine that. Maybe his jokes from the past weren’t completely jokes after all. Then, he decided to finally come and meet me. Quite suddenly it all came together.

Within days B was at my front door (before making me almost puke from the anxiety of waiting that is…but I didn’t even have to wait long, lol.) He was much taller than I thought he would be. I had my cat in my arms and she was so afraid of him that she clawed the crap out of me to get away. That was fun. lol While we were standing in the entryway I wondered if he wanted to hug me, if he was going to try. He didn’t though. I think we both felt a little awkward and unsure in that moment.

Once in my living room I made the decision to give him a hug. I felt like it happened suddenly but he seemed ready for it. =) He gives the best hugs, even short ones. They feel like home somehow and I find that odd but it’s a very right feeling. More on this later.

I think it was at that point that he showed me some stuff on his laptop, which took forever to load. It made me feel slightly better about my own ancient computer. It STILL had more ram than mine though! haha

I was sitting in an armchair and he was sitting on my couch while all of this was taking place. When he had first sat down (once he got off of my stool on the other side of me which caused me to have to look into the sun to try to see him!!!,) I immediately noticed his eyes.

Pictures just don’t do B’s eyes justice at all. I know that’s been said about people and about things but I don’t think I truly got that until now. His eyes are captivating, mesmerizing… It was like I had seen a new (awesome!) eye color for the first time and I was just….lost in them. In fact, they were so interesting and beautiful and kind looking that I couldn’t really look away. I wanted to know them and remember them the best I could. I stared at him for hours, I really did. He had no idea at first why I was staring and he would keep trying to talk to me but then be like “What?? Do I have something on my face?” lol

After he showed me some stuff on his laptop and I played one of his games (which I’m really bad at) I’m pretty sure we played Go Fish! It’s hard to remember things in exactly the right order so if I don’t, oh well I guess. They happened at some point! =) B is WAY better at Go Fish! in person than he is in the online the version. He pretty much beat the crap out of me. I think the online version must prefer me to him or something because I have great luck. Hehe

We did play a couple of video games, most notably Super Mario Bros 3, Mario Kart and Kirby’s Avalanche. He totally creamed me in Kirby’s Avalanche which is a game I love and really wanted to play with him. For the creamage and since I’m such a sore loser, I punched him a lot and it made me feel better. Haha

Being around him is so easy. So fun. I think both of us are different to our online versions of ourselves. I didn’t think I was all that much different except that I know I come off as much more depressed sounding online. B told me that in person I seemed…normal. Woohoo. lol That’s always been MY goal. 😉 And B, gosh… I mean, I guess I can see it now because he’s been being nicer to me online (not that I never thought he was nice or a nice/good person) but in the past I’ve felt like he’s been a jerk to me that didn’t care about me or our friendship and in person he’s so kind to me.

Not only is B kind but he’s SUPER funny. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much or so hard. He’s always made me laugh but sometimes his jokes don’t always come across to me in the right way online so I think I miss out on a lot. In person….man. He’s so fun to be around. He makes me be in a whole lot lighter of a mood. “I’m just me” he would say but just him is great around me.

I also took note of the fact that he helped my mom carry in her groceries. He even wanted to help put them away!! He was a guest and he’s hauling groceries and trying to put them away. =P I know that he didn’t do that to impress anyone either because he helps out a lot at home. It makes me want to be more like that when I see him in action.

He also has the best ideas, goals and solutions to things. I had missed getting the mail that day (one of my goals for therapy right now) and so he suggested we walk out together to his car to get some stuff instead, and we did. He also said that I needed more incentive for getting the mail, so he was going to start writing me letters. I thought that not only is that awesome anyway (who doesn’t like to get letters?!) but it really was helpful because it’s true….it gives me something to look forward to when I check the mail so it’s just an extra push to keep doing it. He gave me several examples of ways I could work on my anxiety that I had never thought of, probably never would think of…at least not in such a workable way like that. I just love the way that he thinks. He makes what usually seems impossible for me possible I think.

We talked and spent time away from the games more than I thought we were going to. I felt bad afterward because I felt like it must have been much different for him, I couldn’t help myself though. He was finally there and for the first time. I wanted to make the most of it. We even went on walks together both days and sat in my backyard and talked about lots of things and going outside is definitely NOT my thing.

The weather was so beautiful though. I don’t think I take enough time to really see it or enjoy it but suddenly with him around I could hear so many sounds and everything around me was in full color. I loved that it was so windy both days. Wind AND sunshine! Usually wind seems to only come with bad weather which I don’t really mind. I like it really. But with him being around it was perfect just the way it was, especially since we could go out in it.

B seemed to like the stretch of road behind my house. He told me it was really beautiful. I think we both really like the creek back there.

We were eating ribs together at my kitchen table that first day and we started talking about something that upset me. Having children. He said the way I thought about it was extreme and while I was trying to explain to him why it was that I strongly felt that way (because of how I grew up) I started getting teary. He apologized for hitting a sore spot and I told him it was fine. I’m really not as affected as a lot of other people are. I can talk about pretty much anything and be fine, even if I cry. I don’t avoid the tough topics for myself or others even and he’ll definitely confirm that. lol

Anyway, he asked me if I wanted a hug. I always tend to be awkward in those kind of moments ao I either shrugged it off or said no. Before we left the kitchen though, we did end up hugging. I think it was him but it could have been me. Who knows. I’ll have to ask him if he remembers but he came near me and we hugged….and we hugged. In fact, I felt it was more of me being held in his arms than a hug. I think that was the first time I really got to smell the GAIN too. Haha. I’ll explain.

B smells SOOO good. I swear he smells like he has cologne on, which is why I asked him at some point after getting a whiff and feeling like I could die right there. He said no, he wasn’t wearing cologne. Eventually we found out that it’s his LAUNDRY DETERGENT that I love so much. lol Imagine that. He says it’s him and when I go buy a bottle it just wont be the same but we’ll see because I’m gonna. =P Anyway, the thing is…I could see myself just curled up next to him forever with those eyes and that smell… Together they’re intoxicating and it makes me feel like I’m under some kind of spell.

He went through one of my “get to know yourself” books with me and even let me write down some of his answers. It’s so odd that he’s so public online and yet he’s very private in other ways and I’m NOT public online but I’m an open book really. I give him credit for the book. He’s done it before but this time I think he answered the questions more openly. We still didn’t finish it completely but I’m sure we will!

He put his arm around me a couple of times and would often just touch me with his finger. It was nice. We hugged many times, for a long time. I don’t really let people just hold me like that but I honestly could have just let him for as long as he was willing to. I just wanted to stay close to him.

I brought him into my room to have him look at my computer and to show him a couple of things. At one point I was trying to find country songs to annoy him with and I eventually put Taylor Swift on, just because I like her so much and because he had mentioned hearing a certain song in the car on the way I guess. This song was a song I had listened to a lot when we weren’t speaking. “Back To December” It made me start tearing up because all of those same feelings came back…but he hugged me. He just kept holding me.

I got him to wait until 9pm to leave the second night when he was originally going to leave at 7pm. I wanted it to be 10pm and pushed for that but I lost.

I really, really like him. I didn’t expect it to turn out the way that it did. I mean, not that I didn’t already like him enough (as I have for years apparently without realizing it) but him being before me definitely brought it to a new level…one where I could see myself with him in the future. Comfortably. Happily. It’s not like me to feel such an instant connection that I feel that everything is just as it should be but that’s how I feel. It felt right. Our visit was over so quick, I wish there had been more time.

But maybe there will be in the future.