I’m such a sucker…

Edited some of the content for privacy…

but it’s all genuine…

This is how she makes me feel inside.

And then at the same time she has the power
to destroy me… And I don’t even think
she knows it…

——

Hi there,

It’s 0230. I just had a horrible nightmare.

I’d tell you about it, but since you’re not
Bruce, you can’t handle it and would be
forever traumatized and probably would
lose your sense of taste in foods and fashion.

But let me just try to tell you how I’m feeling.

I am feeling like that time there was a thunderstorm
while I was in Alabama, and you had me on the phone,
scared.

Except there’s no Bruce to protect Bruce, because there
is only one Bruce, and that Bruce, is Bruce, which is me,
’cause I am Bruce (btw I’m Bruce). So… I’m alone.

Sorry, I digress. Anyways, It’s so quiet out here it’s
frightening, woman. The silence is so loud it’s deafening…
if that makes any sense. It’s the type of silence you can
hear, as a ringing sound.

It’s insane to think that I actually *wish* I was once
again hearing the sporadic random sounds of helicopters
flying all night and .50 calibur machine gun fire.

In fact, disregard what I said. I’m not a afraid. I’m just…
well I’m not afraid. Why are all the lights on,… you ask?

Well duh! It’s uhm,… a family tradition of mine to leave the
light on every December 9th in the morning…

Riiiiight, although you’re not a Bruce, I’m pretty sure you’re
not buying that.

Alright, I’ll cut the bullshit.

I’m scared, woman! I wish I had someone to talk to right now.

PS… Please don’t rub that in. Bruces are proud, noble, sexy creatures.
Their pride is directly linked to their ability to tie their shoes,
so if you hurt my pride, I wont be able to tie my shoes.

While I’m up, I also would like to reiterate the fact that when
you go to Basic, GIVE ME YOUR MAILING ADDRESS.

I don’t care how I get it. Mail it to me, or call me and either
tell me the address or leave it on my voice mail.

The Bruce (Obviously they’ll know who this is)
My Address Line 1
City, ST 12345

or (XXX) 555 – 5555

Look woman, I don’t know for sure what you’re basic is going to
be like… but I *DO* know what it could be like. And if it
is like mine… you will want letters. Lots of letters. Even
letters from that creepy guy who sat next to you in math class.

I promise if you give me your mailing address, I will write you
as often as I can.

THEN, if you decide while in Basic that you don’t need that many
letters (unlike my basic), I will stop writing you.

I just don’t want to see my biggest fan suffer. Bruce is known
for treating his fans wonderfully. But I wont treat you like
a Princess though. Where’d you get that from anyways? If
you’re a self-proclaimed Princess, you’d best be watching
out for Giant Dinosaurs named Bowser! They just LOVE kidnapping
Princesses. Then you know what happens? You get rescued by
PLUMBERS. Ha! Not Bruce’s — Plumbers. Because Bruce’s have
better things to do than rescue a ‘Princess’

btw I saved the world twice yesterday. You owe me.

But now that I ramble about that… since you’re a self
proclaimed Princess… I think I’ll become a self-proclaimed
Super Hero.

How does Bruceman sound? lol. Okay. Super Bruce. But that’s
really redundant, since Bruce and Super are synonyms. That’s
like saying Super Super! But anyways, I saw something in
a Hot Topic today that reminded me of you so strongly.
I sooooooo wanted to buy you this item too. It’s one of
those wrist bands that you wear and it has a logo on it…

Well guess what the logo was…

Batman.

HA! Just to remind you that Batman will still take on Spiderman
any day of the week. Reminds me of the time Mom spite me by
buying me the spiderman shirt. I was pwned by my own mother.
How sad. Well she is

Mother of Bruce >> Level 70 elite.

I don’t even know if my biggest fan is still even reading
this email. It’s ranting a lot.

Thanks woman, I think I can find the courage to go back to
sleep now…

I hope you get this email… if not, well you’ve helped
me and don’t even know it.

~The Bruce

…but you may leave out the The, if you wish.

——

See. I’m such a sucker for her. Now I feel like
a jackass. Hee haw.