Frustration

I have to say,

I am feeling very sad and worried tonight. Yesterday was our ‘Farewell’ Party for Radcliff. A guy we use to work with. Now he’s a free man. He made it out of the army, and he’s now heading back home – To Alabama.

I don’t like goodbyes. I hate to think that I wont ever see this person again. I didn’t even know I would feel this way. As far as I knew, I disliked everyone I work with.

But apparently, after all these years… even the people you don’t like grow on you.

We all had plenty to drink… and let’s just say everybody got emotional. The topics went from all the funny good times, to the scary bad times. I guess the bad times we talked about still linger on me.

Radcliff’s convoy got hit by an IED out in Iraq. It was by far a very bad day for the S6 in Iraq. I cannot explain to anyone reading this what it feels like to be hit like that. It’s being attacked by an unseen force, trying to fight back but there’s nothing you can do… and your frustration is the only thing that you get out of it. Those bastards are cowards. But I digress.

It just turned out to be so sad. I’m happy for him, I really am. He is going home, after all. With his wife. Well eventually we ran out of alcohol and needed to get more… so we went off to the nearest 7-11. And we ran into a homeless person.

And we were all drunk, and sad. So what did we do? We all sat outside the 7-11, drinking and talking with the homeless guy about better times. About how shitty this world is. About how nobody understands or cares. Turns out this bum is a 20-year retired army veteran too. Or at least supposedly.

I gotta confess, I’m getting so depressed. Radcliff is leaving. People are homeless. And I’m scared to death my school drop wont get approved. And I just want to go home.

And THEN, we get a fricking surprise room inspection on a SUNDAY! What-the-fuck. You can do a room inspection, that’s fine, but on a Sunday!?! What dicks. It’s like the army pumps millions of dollars into their Go Army! Retention program, then instantly defeat themselves by doing stupid shit to the soldiers who can still get out. Do they really expect me to be like “Yes! That was the best loss of Sunday time EVERRRRR, sign me up for another 5 years!” I just don’t understand this stupid organization.

I’m getting pissed off now. What is their problem? I swear, once I’m out of the army, I will never again support the military, of any branch. I’ll boo every soldier I see. And except my benefits, I wont claim this 6 year slavery I underwent. For all anyone needs to know — I sold crack to high school kids for the last 6 years. At least then I woulda made money.

And I’m still young. So being optimistic, I’m gonna say I still have another 60 years of life. And I’m gonna spend every year of those 60 years telling young impressionable kids how the US Military is EVIL and how they can always do better than that, and how they should NOT join. And that if they seriously HAVE to join an army, to join the Chinese Army. Basically FUCKING ME OVER has prompted me to dedicate MY LIFE to fucking them back. I’m sure within those 60 years of life I have left, I can get the message accross to at least 10 kids who could have been good soldiers.

I need to purchase something big and destroyable. Like an enormous stress ball. But I don’t think those exist. I feel like kicking dogs right now, but soldiers aren’t allowed to have pets. Not even goldfish.

I made a mistake. I made one fucking mistake. God. I mean, hindsight is always 20/20 but I just made one fucking mistake. How long does one person have to suffer for ONE FUCKING MISTAKE??? I’m not perfect… I didn’t know what I was getting into… It’s not fair… It’s not like I beat children or stole cars… I just wanted to help people and now I’m trapped in this horrible system. I just want to go home. I just want to start over.

Why wont they let me go home? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? God I just want to go home. I only want to go home. If nothing else, let me go home. Let fucking me fucking go fucking home.

I’m so fucking frustrated and angry it’s unbelievable.

Y’know what though? Let them deny my school drop. Let them put a stop loss on me. Let them add another year to my contract. Let them break my family’s heart. Let them put MY life on hold. Let them drag me back to Iraq. Let them give me my rifle. Let them give me those 270 bullets. And then let them try to tell me what to do. And then let them see what happens. Seriously.

Because the army is smart like that.

Seriously though, I can’t get out of this army now with a favorable impression of it. I just can’t. Even if they came up to me tomorrow, handed me a billion dollar check, and then promptly honorably discharged me, I’d still hate them.

I am so frustrated. Something I haven’t told y’all — Nicki’s joining the Air Force tomorrow. I reckon that right now, this very moment (late Sunday night) she’s wide awake in bed. Unable to sleep. Afraid. Worried.

And it frustrates the hell out of me. Because I can’t DO anything. For her.

Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase let her at least have an enjoyable military experience.

I told her I will write her every single day. And I intend to. As soon as I get her address.

I swear sometimes if the world was about to be destroyed, and I had the power to save the world… I wouldn’t do it. I just don’t find this world to be worth saving.