Confusion

delphinese42: briefly back

virtuekid:: wb

virtuekid:: I’m trying to write Nicki a giant letter.

virtuekid:: But I can’t even sort out my feelings.

delphinese42: write it as a draft and sit on it for a day

virtuekid:: Well I figure I’d toss it at you

virtuekid:: basically

delphinese42: lol that works too

virtuekid:: I’m going to graduate get my job and get a place. And then if she wants, she can come live with me.

virtuekid:: and we can just go from there

virtuekid:: The end

delphinese42: Sounds good.

virtuekid:: Does it, really?

delphinese42: in a nutshell, yeah

virtuekid:: I hate that I still want her. But I still want her.

delphinese42: I understand

virtuekid:: and I think I could be a good boyfriend.

delphinese42: I agree

delphinese42: or I wouldn’t have tried for ya myself back then lol

virtuekid:: and I guess I could be a fatherly figure to her kid

delphinese42: yeah

virtuekid:: (But my skills with them are not so great)

virtuekid:: I don’t think I ever told you about my recent hiccup with them

virtuekid:: I was at Aunt Rosemary’s and Vickie’s kid wanted me to pick her up. I didn’t know how to hold kids So I picked her up using both arms. I had 1 arm under her knees, the other arm under her back. But apparently that’s not right

virtuekid:: So everyone’s all laughing. And they tell me I’m suppose to hold her on my side

virtuekid:: So I move her to my left side… but apparently I was suppose to use only one arm.

virtuekid:: So they all laugh again. And then she decides she wants down. And she goes to April and April holds her.

delphinese42: lol

virtuekid:: I don’t know what to say, Brooke. I’ve deleted all that I’ve typed like 8 times now.

virtuekid::
Things I want:
Nicki to be safe
Nicki to be happy
Nicki to be with me
Charlie to be dead

delphinese42: I wish i could give you the words to say

virtuekid:: What kind of a man can look at a woman like Nicki and actually assault her verbally? All I ever get is overwhelmed with the desire to praise her beauty.

virtuekid:: She’s so beautiful

delphinese42: Did you know she doesn’t think she is/

delphinese42: ?

virtuekid:: Yea

virtuekid:: She gets verbally attacked so much, I could see that.

virtuekid:: If everyone doesn’t appreciate you, how could you appreciate yourself

delphinese42: I was shocked when I found that out, she actually said she thinks I am prettier

virtuekid: No personal offense to you, but in my opinion, no one is more beautiful than her.

delphinese42: *nods

delphinese42: I don’t think i’m attractive at all

delphinese42: *shrugs*

virtuekid:: I’ve been all over the world too

virtuekid:: I’ve seen German chicks

virtuekid:: iraqi chicks

virtuekid:: texan chicks

virtuekid:: english chicks

virtuekid:: You name it, I’ve seen ’em

virtuekid:: and she’s prettier than them all

delphinese42: nice

virtuekid:: I love her

delphinese42: i know

virtuekid:: I just hope she does.

virtuekid:: Any time I stop and imagine where I’ll be 10 years from now, if it’s ever married with children, it’s married to her.

virtuekid:: because I can’t see myself with anyone else.

virtuekid:: I hate how weak I am against her.

delphinese42: *nods* knowing they have the power to destroy you, yet wanting them near in spite of that. Not wanting anyone else because no one else has ever made you feel so lightheaded in the best way possible, no one else brings a smile so easily, makes your heart pound and your stomach to flip

virtuekid:: The only person you want to really connect with

virtuekid:: and you put their happiness ahead of your own

delphinese42: who seems to understand you without needing to say a word

delphinese42: even if it means you die inside

virtuekid:: You sacrifice for them

delphinese42: yes

delphinese42: anything, everything, without a thought

virtuekid:: Yeap

virtuekid:: Best and worst feeling ever.

delphinese42: we’re fucked, aren’t we, myfriend?

delphinese42: lol

virtuekid:: I want her.

delphinese42: I want him.

delphinese42: fully

delphinese42: not just this half thing we have

virtuekid:: Do you think there’s any chance I will have her one day?

delphinese42: yes

virtuekid:: I hope so. Otherwise this is just drawing out the already painful experience.

delphinese42: but im a hopeless romantic who has faith hin happy endings

virtuekid:: If there’s no chance, I shouldn’t even bother talking to her.

delphinese42: there is always hope

virtuekid:: It’s crazy how

delphinese42: even if it is the carrot, eh? *Smiles

virtuekid:: to me being with her is the obvious choice, but to her, she chooses so terribly. In myopinion

delphinese42: she needed to figure out on her own i guess

virtuekid:: I still have an empty letter.

virtuekid:: I just can’t find the words.

delphinese42: they will come

virtuekid:: Yea.

virtuekid:: I fill it up, but then I delete it all

delphinese42: aww

virtuekid:: Would it bother you if I posted this conversation as an entry?

delphinese42: no not at all. go ahead

virtuekid:: Cuz I can’t really find the words anyways. And I meant an entry for my OD… to clarify.

virtuekid:: But I mean. I have to be up in a few hours. And I’m nowhere near tired. This is what she does to me.

virtuekid:: I want her to come live with me. And then I’ll protect her from all the negative people in her life

virtuekid:: All the controlling people.

virtuekid:: Transfer the leftover remains of my GI Bill to her

virtuekid:: help her get an education

virtuekid:: Even if it’s just general crap.

virtuekid:: Does she even have a car?

virtuekid:: Get her a car.

virtuekid:: Car = Freedom

virtuekid:: I feel like

virtuekid:: she’s this oppressed

virtuekid:: potential

delphinese42: yeah

virtuekid:: Because she’s really smart, y’know

virtuekid:: I’ll never forget the time she quipped back at me in binary. I didn’t even know she knew binary.

delphinese42: oh wow

virtuekid:: Which is funny, because she learned from Bryan, who learned from me. I felt great about that one. lol

virtuekid:: She use to tell me she wanted to be a model.

virtuekid:: But I don’t ever see her pursuing that.

virtuekid:: She could BE a model if she pursued it.

virtuekid:: Easily.

virtuekid:: I wonder how much she’s changed, now that she has a kid.

virtuekid:: I knew it would change her some. As being a parent is big stuff.

delphinese42: she seems the same, a little more interested in a provider role

virtuekid:: God dammit. I want her so bad; I hate this.