February 12, 2008

Changes.

Hi Nicki.

Just felt like writing you an email.
Y’know I’ve been thinking about our
friendship, and I realize you really
don’t know much about me. At all.

Oh well.

Of course, I don’t really know
much about you either, so I guess
that makes us even.

I’m talking about personality-wise
by the way, not facts. Facts are
easy to find out. But whatever.

Kind of random, but it just popped
into my head.

I hope you are doing well Nicki.
How’s the family? Oh they’re fine?
That’s great. =)

I don’t really have much to type
to you. I want to tell you about
all the events that’s been going
on in my life, but I just don’t
at the same time. This might hurt
your feelings, or maybe you don’t
care at all (I don’t know), but
after our last argument… there’s
just a strain on our friendship
(at least to me) that wasn’t there
before. I just don’t have it in
me to tell you about what’s been
going on because I just don’t
think you’d really care to read it.

And please, I’m not trying to start
anything. I am just writing you
and as you know I tend to write
my feelings out. This is just what
I’m feeling and you can’t help the
way you feel. So don’t get mad at
me please. And you don’t have to
reply to this either. It’s just
my ramblings. Feel free to listen
or ignore.

I wrote that paragraph because I’m
afraid you’ll explode at me. =P

At least I’m always honest with you.
If there’s one thing I wish you’d
believe about me it’s that I will
never lie to you and I will always
be there for you when you need me.

And even though I got a lot of
skeletons in my closet I don’t hide
them and I am willing to talk about
them… Heck but when it comes to
you I don’t even know the skeletons
in your closet. I wish you could
trust me enough to tell me but I guess
I’m just wishing on the wrong star.

I don’t know why but that last sentence
brings a tear to my eyes to read. But
it’s the truth. I don’t even know
why I’m writing this to you or what
exactly is going on with me right now…

I guess I can tell you some things
that are going on in my life. Fort
Bliss is hosting a Ball. Like a Prom.
I *Have* to go, no choice in it. And
I have to wear my class A’s. It sucks.
I also have to find a date for it. Which
also sucks. It’s in March.

We’re getting 3 day weekends every
week now. Slowly slipping back into
a normal work week though. =(

I am training new-to-the-army privates
on how to do my job… because I’m
getting out of the Army soon, and I am
supposedly a “veteran with a lot of
knowledge to pass on”. It’s cool. They
gave me like 3-4 minions to help me
do my job. I have slaves. =)

Slave! Fix that printer!

Slave! Insert an IP!

Slave! Do a gpupdate /force!

Heh heh. =) I’m a slave beater. =)

Well I think I’ve provided you with
enough small paragraphs to read so
I’m going to quit now. I hope you’re
having a nice day Nicki. Keep hitting
the roads to improve your run and start
working on a nutritional, normal diet
with multi-vitamins on the side, and
you’ll start feeling great and be
ready for the Air Force thing.

I’ve decided to drop my
confidence//cocky act around you.
I don’t think you like it anymore.
Not like you use to.

Write back?

~Bruce

Awe, you miss her. I really liked this email. Hopefully she’ll write back. *hug*

I had the urge to send you a message but I know that you were really tired and tired on top of me being in a sad mood=hell for you probably. But I’ve been crying and I feel like shit and I still need some place to go = so here I am. I dont even know what to write either because I dont want to talk about what happened. I just wish you were here to get my mind off of it. We could play WoW or draw

(or attempt to draw as far as Im concerned) silly things that make me laugh. I dont know why I come to you…Im sorry that I do. You probably hate it and would rather me not. Especially since you hardly talk to me as it is when Im not feeling sad. =( I feel like such a screw up up sometimes. I dont want to feel like this…my birthday is tomorrow and I want it to be good or at least okay. I dont

want to be crying throughout it. Oh yeah..I made a video that I was going to show you earlier before you said you were tired and going to sleep. It was an honest enough attempt at first but I ended up just throwing it together so it really isnt so good at all. It still has flashes from where I put a pic that says “pause” inbetween to help me know what clips I needed to seperate. But, it still

at least has the parts that I wanted to show in an okay order. I probably need to go back through my clips and make another one thats just for you to show some of the fighting. This is about the game I was talking about before by the way. So yeah, anyway, maybe I’ll show you that another time. Photobucket wouldnt even upload it all since it was over 5 minutes long (5:54.) Oh happy night. = I

I do hope you have a good Valentines Day. And also, since I read your email to Nicki again, I have a question. Well, two actually. If you’ve known one another so long and you love (are in love?) with her then how can you two not know each other much at all? That seems kind of odd to me. And why are you dropping the “confidence//cocky act” around her. Isnt that kind of who you are? And I

thought you didnt care about what people thought of you. OD ate my note so I had to start over and now I dont remember quite what I was rambling about. = Oh yeah…how it sucks to be/feel rejected by people. By the person you love especially but even by friends..it can really sting. I mean, I feel rejected by you all the time but I still come back…for more I guess? =( And I feel pretty

confident that you dont mean to come off that way but to me it seems like you feel indifferent which I guess somehow turns into rejection. Im sure you wouldnt talk to me at all if you didnt enjoy it at least a little. Or even give me a nickname…because, when would you use it? *sigh* I dont even know where the hell Im going with my rambling anymore. I guess whenever something bad happens it

always makes me think of other difficulties in my life and kind of just snowballs from there. Does that ever happen to you? I dont know how you do it…remain so positive most of the time. And when you’re upset it seems that you dont get sad, you just get mad…at everyone…at the world. In some ways I feel like for me that would be better since I focus so much of my hatred inward and it

breaks what Im trying to build up in myself even more. Why cant things be easier…even just a little bit? I dont want my whole life to be a struggle…I’d like to actually live some of it. But I just. cant. get my head above water long enough to. I think even before what happened happened my day was being set up for a fall anyway. When I was looking to make a new video I came across my

depression pictures of the past. Pictures of me crying (dont ask me why I did it, I feel only embarrassed of them and want to trash them now), pictures of the cuts I made in my skin, of my self-mutlation journal that was smeared with blood, of my Cancer stuff, of me at various FAT weights…And then I looked in my past diaries at around the time of my birthday. Some were okay but one in particular

was so sad…it wasnt even on my birthday…just a couple of days before. Hopefully I did end up having an okay birthday that year…but all I wrote about was cutting. I’ve gotten better with my depression…I dont just endlessly write about cutting and hating myself anymore at least anyway. *sigh* I feel really stupid now for writing all of this. You’re going to come here and be like WTF…

wow. the same line that brings a tear to ur eyes, brought tears to my eyes as well. i know about the wishing on a star thing…and how it NEVER comes true. it sucks. which is why i hate v-day.

You were so much…nicer at this time. Maybe it was because it was her which again, bothers me. How come your friends cant get the same treatment? And further more, if you write out your feelings…why cant you type them in an IM to me? Same kind of thing just live.

Oh…and how is it possible that you two didnt really know one another? I thought she was your everything and so you were all transparent with her. I get why you wouldnt know her…