Awake…

Well. I just woke up from a dream. It was neither scary nor good. Just unique.

I was in Iraq. In the building I worked in. And there was no one else there. I looked around the entire building (and it’s a large building) and there was no one to be found. So then I walked around the barracks, and there was no one around. But I started sneaking around, afraid I was going to run into someone, or maybe I was afraid I was going to run into something. I don’t know. But I was afraid of running into people, but I was looking for them.

After I couldn’t find anyone in the barracks, I started walking aimlessly through the whole base. It’s about a 2mile by 2mile base. There was no one. I started to feel panicky.

Eventually I gave up and went back to the building I worked in. I don’t know why, but I decided to start building add-on sections to the building, and I started with a tower, made out of gray concrete bricks. And my last memory before I woke up was me on the roof of the building, having built about a 20 foot tall tower/parapet on the roof. I was looking down from the tower to the rooftop.

In all honesty, the dream reminds me of the beginning to the movie Vanilla Sky. Where he dreams he’s the only person on the earth. Has anyone seen that movie? I’ll post a clip, but I hope it doesn’t auto-play.

I don’t know why, but for some reason I don’t ever want to forget that horrible place (Iraq). If I had to take a guess, I would guess it’s because it’s where I spent the MOST time I’ve ever spent with Eric. I worked with him every single day for 13 months.

I miss him.

Another interesting thing about my dream is when I awakened, I couldn’t remember where I was. This happens to me from time to time, and it’s… a very unique experience.

It’s like those TV shows that are part of a chain, when the show begins with a “Previously on Batman” or “Last time on Dragonball Z” and then they proceed to tell you everything that’s happened…

That’s what it’s like for me when I wake up and can’t remember where I am.

I think ultimately the reason I woke up is because the air conditioner turned on. I’ve also become a lot more paranoid recently. I sleep with a chem light and a gerber. And more sounds wake me up than what use to.

So the air conditioner clicked on, and I kinda jolt out of my sleep and sat up. And I realize that I have no idea where I am.

Am I in Germany? I don’t think I am.

I know I’m not at Fort Gordon – I’m alone.

Where’s the wall at? To my right. The wall was to my left in Germany. I’m not in Germany. Where did I go from Germany? OH that’s right, I went to Bliss. Then I deployed.

The wall was to my right in Iraq. I’m not in Iraq though, I’m alone.

So all of the above plays through in my head, but it’s not that slow, it’s all processed in like 1 maybe 2 seconds, but it’s interesting because for that second or 2, I have no idea what’s happened to me in the last couple of years of my life. And I relearn it all, and I re-experience some of the feelings.

Outta the army, Nicki’s gone, Eric’s dead, I’m in school, parents dream house, April has diabetes, Pam’s getting married?, I have a nephew, I’m going bald…

All within 2 seconds. It’s a lot to take in.

I miss being able to email Nicki when I have bad dreams. I miss her telling me that these dreams are just dreams.

I still feel that strong indescribable feeling that came over me a few weeks ago. I think I’m in for dealing with a few deep existential questions in solitude soon. I don’t know why.

I feel like… someone or something is watching me. Watching OVER me, that is… But in a good way. Like a passed-away relative.

Supposedly I look a lot like my grandfather on my Mom’s side. He went bald before he was 23. He liked wearing silk button up shirts (Once upon a time, so did I). I have to make it a point to ask my parents about my grandparents. I feel sad that I don’t know much about them. I remember one time I was talking to this old lady who lived in my neighborhood, and after awhile she told me that the way I look and speak reminded her of “a man who use to live here, about 20 years ago, his name was ‘Marvin Prine'”. <– That was my grandfather I told her.

Another interesting thing, I think I take a lot of what I am from my mother’s side. I remember when I was a teenager, I was up in the attic of a 2 story house we use to live in, and I saw a stack of picture frames, turned away from me. I went over and started looking at them. And it was really just a bunch of random art, except for one picture that reaaaaaaaaally rung a bell with me. It was a picture of a naked guy (not FACING me, thankfully) flying through the air, and below him was a hallway, with doors lining both sides, as far as the eye could see. He was flying through the stars, over this roofless hallway, just… flying.

It was a scene straight out of a dream I once had. And only once.

Recap.

—

Dream 3: (Once)

In a hallway with many doors. The hallway has no roof, instead it is a night sky above. Go into a room and have a conversation with 30 or so different me’s. All Bruce’s. Everyone but 2 Bruce’s (myself and another) leave. Told not to come back by the last Bruce. I leave. I immediately go back in. Saw myself look like a demon. Or maybe just saw the ugly side of myself?

And then the demon/ugly Bruce just looks at me and says

“I told you not to come back to here. You should not have come.”

This dream actually made me do the typical movie “Wake up and gasp” reaction.

—

Anyways, the art in the picture was exactly like the hallway and doors and night sky that were in my dream. And yes, I had the dream BEFORE I saw this picture.

It turns out my Uncle on my mother’s side drew this picture. I would have asked him about it, but like most of my relatives, he was dead.

I wonder how he was able to fly? I have never flown in my dreams, to my memory. It seems I am always falling in my dreams. Except there is no ground, and there is no concept of ‘up’ or ‘down’. It’s just… nonstop falling.

I always wonder if the dream world is a real world, and if we are just visitors to it’s plane. It’s a very real possibility. And then also, this world could be UNreal. Everything could be unreal.

I wish I knew everything.

I know I need to force myself back to sleep. I should feel safe. There’s no one here, trying to hurt me.

G’night ladies. (And Michael).

~Bruce