8/11/08

I miss her terribly tonight. And the part that hurts the most is that she doesn’t miss me at all. Or maybe that she never cared. Or that in some sick way of thinking, she feels she is completely in the right and that I’m the bad guy here.

I feel so disappointed in myself. I’ve done so much improvement on myself and I still wasn’t good enough for her. I feel like trash. If I have no value to her, then I have no value period. Because her value was the only value that mattered to me. That still matters to me.

I mean it’s not like I did anything wrong. I just wanted her to be happy. Fuck. I spoiled the shit out of her. I pampered her! And I think, in the end, that’s what killed me. I must have come off as some clingy guy. And I guess in the end, that’s all I am. A clingy guy. No woman wants a clingy guy.

I wrote her letters every day she was in basic. I sent her cards, I bought her flowers… There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. Nothing at all. I would have done anything if she only asked.

I’m just angry to think that I’ve been used. That’s all women ever do to me is fucking use me.

I like being a nice guy. I really do. But if you women fuck with me just one more fucking time… it’s going to get ugly. I’d like to think that my kindness is a strength. But if you women keep exploiting… I swear to God my “Kindness” stat is gonna get nerfed. Big time. I’m sure you gamers out there know what the fuck I just said.

And y’know, I coulda swore I called this, way back when, probably 200 or so entries ago. I coulda swore I called this, saying “This will probably be just another heartbreak. A girl like her would never like me”. And I was right. That’s what I get for listening to my heart instead of my brain.

It’s time to erect some walls around my heart again.

But anyways,

Today sucked. Monday. I worked. And the weather outside was so horrible. It rained really hard at like 4 in the morning, and I woke up thinking “YES!!! NO PT BECAUSE IT’S RAINING HARDCORE!!”…

But guess what, the rain stopped just in time for PT… and we ran in the mud. Yay. Thank you Mother Nature.

At least this is my last work week. My last Tuesday of WORK, etc. etc. Next week I’ll be doing nothing but clearing. Which is nice. No work.

I got my mixing cup back from Eric’s house. I left it there after the party. Totally forgot about it. I think that’s due to the fact that I was completely smashed at that party. We’re talking I was Fireman-carried outta there.

I’ve been drinking far too much ever since I came back from Iraq. I know it’s unhealthy but I just like the way I feel when I’m drunk. Like I don’t have a care in the world.

And the whole Nicki leaving me situation definetly didn’t help. I’m like 1 step away from being a full-blown Alchy, right?

I need some fucking good news to happen in my life, and soon. That’s why I’m so glad I get out of the army in 12 days. 11 days in 2 more hours. w00t. =)

When I get to my hometown, I think I’m going to make video entries with my digital camera… of my hometown. The place I grew up at. I want to show all of you what made me who I am today.

Whatcha think, ladies? …. and Michael. lol.

~Bruce