09/05/2011

I really don’t know why I bother anymore.

Life is a joke. At least my life is.

I’ve been hanging out with Nicki this weekend.

It’s the last time I plan on seeing her for a long time. I already told her this too. I told her that as long as I love her, I have to stay away. Because being around someone you love who doesn’t love you is absolute torture. She understands. So she knows this is the last time she’ll see me in a long time. It’s just hard.

I’ve been thinking about death so much. And how much I wish for it. I got a tarot reading from her friend, and nobody suspects a thing. The cards, being total bullshit, didn’t say anything about it either. Sitting there at the table, watching the cards go down, while I’m pondering the pros and cons of shooting myself and hanging myself.

If I shoot myself, there is a good chance I will die. It has a low failure rate. The bad news is that it’s very messy. I could possibly traumatize whoever has to pick up the fragments of my skull and brains.

If I hang myself, there is more of a chance of messing up, and not actually dying. Just damaged. Possibly even retarded afterwards. The good news is it’s easier to clean up.

I already plan to have all of my possessions packed into boxes. To have my final goodbyes written out legibly on paper. Whoever has to clean my apartment out of my stuff will have an easy job. I’ll be sure to label the boxes with who they should go to.

I can’t kill myself anytime soon… I have too many bills to pay. But once I am debt free, I can save up some money for my funeral and some extra money for the relatives, then it’s all good to go.

To be honest I think I would rather hang myself. Not because of the lack of mess, and not the snap-my-neck kind of hanging either. I hate myself so much that I would love to just dangle there for a few minutes, kicking and gasping in fear knowing that finally, FINALLY, death is coming. The real deal. In a nightmare, when you die, you wake up and it’s just a dream. But finally, those last few moments of me kicking and struggling, knowing that death will finally claim me. That would be the ultimate torment for myself.

And then I will finally be free of all this suffering.

I don’t want to hurt Nicki. But it’s inevitable. Besides, she’s hurt me enough that my death wont be that bad. Not like she’d even come to my funeral. She knows I love her. I always have, and always will.

My friends will be okay. They get along just fine without me now.

My sisters would survive. Hell, I might even get some future nephews named after me.

It’s my parents that really worry me. I really don’t think they could live knowing I killed myself. It would shatter them.

But like I said. I still have a few years. I am not prepared yet. Maybe things will change. Maybe they will die before I do. Maybe I will be killed in an accident (that would be great) or something. Maybe I’ll even want to live. Maybe I’ll find a reason.

The knight in shining armor tarot card. But who saves the knight?