05/31/2011

I don’t know why I keep this diary around anymore. I never write. I never note. I only read.

Jennrific and I broke up a few weeks ago (2 weeks ago?). It was mutual.

Turns out I’m very apathetic nowadays. I wonder if I’m even capable of real love anymore. I’m not a good boyfriend at all. I have no heart left inside of me to love with. Just a gaping void. Jennrific deserves better than that.

I guess I’m not ready for relationships yet. Who knows if I ever will be.

People who don’t know about my OD must think I’m a really cold person. Emotionless. Distant. Maybe even crazy. They think they could say anything to me and it would just bounce off. The world’s only Vulcan.

Sadly, it is actually the opposite of that. I take everything in. My feelings cut like butter. I just never show it. But I cry a lot. Just when no one’s around; at night, alone in my bed. I think about death all the time. I even wish for it occasionally. But no one will ever know. No one will ever care.

I guess to this world I’m just damaged goods. Not fixable. Years go by, but the damage never goes away. I’m just a little kid, half-beaten to death, scared and hiding in the corner hoping the Big Bad World doesn’t see me and hurt me again.

I just don’t care anymore. I really don’t. I feel defeated.

I feel like a walking time bomb. One day a lot of people will get hurt.

In all honesty, I thought Nicki was ‘The One’. And having things turn out the way they did really hurt me bad. It cut me deep. Every day since has been like a slap in the face. It’s like playing a game, getting ‘GAME OVER’ on the screen, and still having to play… forever. With ‘GAME OVER’ permanently in front of you. Loser for life. A slap in the face. Wake up in the morning, take your slap in the face, go on with your day. Every day I feel defeated from the get-go.

I’m running out of time to find a job before the bills start coming in. Things are getting desperate.

I’m probably going to be forced back into the Army to pay off my bills. But if I do have to go back in, I’ll be going back as an Officer, I’m not doing the enlisted shit anymore.

Maybe I can get a twofer and pay off my bills, then get killed in action. No debts for the family, no painful suicide for them to deal with, no more living for me. In fact I’d be a hero! It’s a win-win situation for everyone.

It’s too bad the Army isn’t as dangerous as it’s made to seem from the News. I could probably deploy 12 times and never see combat. Not in my profession.

Oh well. A nerd can dream.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I am the type of person who needs a purpose. A direction. And I don’t have it. And I’m falling apart. That’s like my pillar. My foundation, and I don’t have it. I can’t live for myself. I don’t even like myself.

I hope that death is like sleep – an emotionless, thoughtless peaceful nothingness. No sound, no silence, no light, no darkness, just absolute nothing. I need such a rest. I need it badly. I get so turned off by the idea of ‘life’ after death. Just the thought of having thoughts and the feeling of having feelings again makes me physically sick to my stomach. I just want to be left alone. And forgotten.

No notes. I don’t leave any for you ladies, why the hell should I get any?