04/01/2010

I wish I mattered to her the way she matters to me.

But I never have.

And I never will.

I wish I would just die.

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I just wish she were mine; and happy.

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She’s never going to be mine though. She’s going to stay with Charlie. Even when he mistreats the hell out of her. She’s never going to leave him.

Whatever. Fuck this world. I hope everyone dies.

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I don’t think I’m meant for this world. Not to last, at least. I’m just something meant to be broken and used and destroyed.

All I ever wanted was for her to be happy. And she’s not going to be. Not with him, not with me, nothing. That’s my little personal hell.

I’m just so hurt. And bitter. And pissy.

I want her.

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Nothing matters, anymore. Nothing. I am defeated.

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She affects my heart so much. I can’t stand it. I need to be free of her control. She kills me so easily.

I hate it.

I need to move on. I need to find someone I can love who will actually love me back. I’m tired of feeling unappealing and wretched.

She’s always saying she cares about me, but she seems oblivious to how much she hurts me. She wants friendship, I want more. Seeing her with other guys tortures me. But she doesn’t understand that.

I hate feeling so weak.

I just… want to die.

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Every time I read over this entry… I see how little control I have over my feelings.

I need more emotional discipline.