01/02/2010

*hugs* Im sorry. Someday it will be better…

Hey Bruce…since you decided you didnt want to have a conversation with me but Im also stubborn, I figured I’d “talk” to you here. You can feel free to ignore me all you want. So how come you havent really talked to me in a while besides because of being busy? I wonder that sometimes… Also, the guild I have? I named it after your guild. Never got the chance to tell you before.

I sometimes wonder what you would think of that. I doubt you’d be moved somehow. You’re more likely to think negatively or be indifferent about it. I thought it would be cool to say “but I AM in your guild.” Not sure why I didnt at the time. I wonder what you’re doing right now. I HOPE you’ve ignored conversation for a game at least and you’re not feeling all bad alone. You’re lucky I dont

know your address or I would’ve come there and smacked you by now…a couple times over. =P Also I just *might* have sent you something…oh well, get over that! So umm…I recently found out about the DS…well, no thats not true. But I did recently play on it and can I just tell you that its AWESOME? It is. Really. Truly. I want one of my own now. Have you ever played on it?

Knowing you, you have! I’ve played Phoenix Wright the most but also Kirby and umm…whats that one where you can write all the words and the things appear in the game. lmao its awesome. Imagine it and most likely you can have it. I also like Brain Age…its really cool but I suck at it. Guess my brain isnt doing so well right now. I decided to leave my first note to you because you played

WoW…hehe. At least we’ll always have that eh? Do you regret knowing me? I really am sorry you’re feeling bad. I want more than anything to help you but unfortunately Im not that great at it sometimes and you’re a really tough crowd anyway. Wonder if you’re pvping right now…maybe you got what you needed and dont care anymore. I would be in a bg right now but alas, my net

isnt stable enough to. Its hard to even get these notes to you to post because of it. Stupid snow. I like snow but not when it kills my net. Why do you not like me just because Im a girl? Not all women are stupid like your exes have been. It can actually *gasp* be pleasant and enrich your life to have a few females around. Sidekicks and whatnot. lol You can pretty much think of me as

just another “one of the guys” by now anyway right? If it can help my position here, then STOP KNOWING IM A GIRL. Though, I wont get a sex change operation for you…sorry. Thats one thing I just cannot do. This is starting to sound like your drunken entries a little bit. lol Well, except Im not saying “wow, I just fell out of the chair” a bunch of times. =P It is random though..I’ll

give you that. Hey, it would be cool if you were reading this in real time and actually caring about what would be next. You arent though Im sure. Poo on that. Wish you would stop being such a stubborn ass and talk to me. You might think closing yourself off from people will keep you from getting hurt in any way and to a point, thats true. But it will only hurt you more in the

long run. When you risk it and let people in, amazing things happen. Sorry about the pause in notes. I got up and got some chicken wings while my net was out yet again. They’re hot and spicy (eew) but I put some ranch on them so its all good I suppose. Im considering signing onto WoW to see if you’re there and bug you…but I think you were serious about the not talking thing and

so I dont really want to push it right now…except here. Here is okay because you can just…well, not read the notes or delete them or something. How long have I known you now Bruce? Forever and a day? Umm…I really dont know how long its actually been. Guess I could go waaaaaaaaaaaay back in your diary but that would take a while possibly. I should go look at your myspace, just

for kicks. I havent been on there in forever. Maybe your page has changed somewhat? I dont know.. Man these wings are spicey! I was about to write that I would give you some but…forgot for a slight second that you’re allergic to chicken. Pizza for you then Bruce spruce. I hope you had a good Christmas and New Years by the way. Yup. You know what I think (besides the fact that

I talk a. lot.) ? I think…well darn. I forgot what I was going to say….imagine that. Lady Gaga temporarily distracted me. No, wait…she still is. Okay done. NEWSFLASH! THERE IS A LIFE OUT THERE FOR YOU!!!!!! TAKE IT DAMMIT. I still remember very vividly the entry where you posted a very raw video of yourself. You were crying. You made me cry. I really wanted to do

something…anything…to take the pain away. I wish you would actually let yourself be that way around me. Not necessarily crying I mean. I wouldnt want you to be upset like that. But I mean sharing that. I dont think you’ll ever share that with me. I thought at one point you might if I had been your friend for a while but that day never came. I have a hard time accepting that kind of stuff but

you are the way you are I guess. If you’d rather hold it in or Im not the kind of person that you’d want to share with, then thats the way it is I suppose. Just know that I am always here for you though. Thats important to know. Now Im cold. = I cant sleep at night because its too cold. Not sure why dad feels like it should be the same temperature inside as it is outside. And I love the

cold too…but this is a tad bit ridiculous. Do you like Ranch dressing? It really is making these wings less spicy… You’re still going to get me into Disney someday right? Its hard writing this stuff when theres no Bruce to reply. Woe is me. You should like…help me out here. Just a lil? A teeny bit? Come on…give it a shot. Please? You can do it! I believe in you Bruce!

*hug*

Did you think I was done? No, not quite yet. Where do you go to “think?” Do you ever go on walks or a special place? Toilet not really included but I guess if you do it there, thats fine. lol I mean though like…do you ever think while you’re in the shower/bath or when you’re laying in bed at night? Thats when I think the most…I think because the day is usually full of so many

things to prevent me from doing so and thats the way I like it really since when I think bad things. I really avoid it but in quiet places like the bath and bed…thoughts will creep in. I know I’ve said this before but sometimes I like to look up at my ceiling and talk to God…usually just like a friend. It helps. I wonder if you do that or have done that. I think you just might not have

faith in much of anything right now. Let me ask you…did you feel like the world/life/whatever else WASNT pointless when any of your exes (including her) were in your life? People we love tend to help us feel like there is a purpose to it all…Im guilty of that too but if you could do me a favor and just really look around you sometimes. You have friends and family who love you

dearly. And the world really can be a beautiful place. When the leaves, snow and even rain fall…it can be wondrous if you let it really sink in. When the power was out for days no one even knew I wasnt there. How sad is that? No one was worried about me that I talk to on a regular basis. It made me feel like I didnt matter at all to these people. I started to think things like, what if I

lived on my own and died or something? How long would it take for someone to notice. And do I really have that little of an impact on other peoples lives? Because I feel like I do try to be there for my friends. I care a lot. Is that enough? But then I thought…well, as hard as it can be and as harsh as I feel that it is…in the end its just me. We all need to be happy in ourselves

and everything else comes as a bonus. Blah blah blah…was going off on some kind of real ramble there. Sorry. Tends to happen when you talk a lot like me…I mean, sharing things. Like you care. I think you’ve had a lot of growth in the last year despite not being completely healed. Im proud of you…I really am. Your strength is amazing sometimes. Though I wish I could kind of sit

next to you when you’re having those particularly rough times and help you get through it…even if its just being there (promise not to open my big mouth if you want.) Im starting to feel a little stupid. I just want to help you. I hate that I cant often help you feel any better and you just shut down more instead. Remember that time you got your wisdom teeth out and you were all

drugged up and silly? lol Good times. Are you still watching girl BK commercials and salivating? lol Thats pretty funny too. They have funnel cake sticks now. I tried them…never tasted funnel cake before. Not bad. Bruce Bruce Bruce…whatever am I going to do with you. I want to see you through this. I hope we’re still friends when everything comes together for you.

To see you go from before which was really awfully painful to feel like I was standing by just watching, to now and then being better in the future…I’ll really be happy for you and glad I could see your happiness come about. You’re a good guy Bruce. You deserve a life full of joy, imagination and renewed faith/hope. Be good to yourself. Get yourself a new game or do something

else nice for yourself or that you really enjoy. And keep writing. I wish you the absolute best, always.