Last day of July. Weird.

It’s the last day of July. I’ve spoken to Lexi one time since we broke up. I will be seeing her today to exchange things of ours. I am sick to my stomach, but also excited to see her. I hope I don’t say something stupid. I really want to talk to her and ask her all of these questions. Was it all fake? Did you really ever love me? Did you stop loving me? Does this hurt as much for me as it does for you? Do you still think of me? Why is it seemingly so easy for you to move on compared to me?

Some days are easier, other days are harder. Sometimes I see people, but it’s never the same, and it’s never easy like it used to be. I wish I could go out and have sex and get over it that way but half the time I’m naked in front of someone else, I can’t even bring myself to do it. It’s a weird feeling. In a lot of ways, me and Lexi felt like the perfect couple, but I guess when I look back on It and try to be negative about it, I see some of the red flags. I hate to think about me and Lexi negatively, I loved her more than anyone else in the entire world. I thought we were bound by our souls. But she cheated on me. How do you reconcile those two things? It doesn’t just go away, at least not for me. I wish it would sometimes. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up from this horrible, fucked up dream. I miss laying in bed, feeling like nothing in the world could come between me and her. It hurts a lot that I was wrong. I can’t stop replaying all the moments right before we broke up. The beach, the pool, telling each other that we loved each other for the last time. Being so in love with someone who was fucking someone else. Why did it have to be me? I worshipped the ground she walked upon. I wish she would have told me she hated me, or that she didn’t love me or something that would make it make fucking sense. I wish it made sense. I feel unlovable a lot days. Sometimes I’m reminded I am lovable, but it isn’t often. It’s a lot easier for women during a breakup, at least you can go find 10 dudes to go fuck with little effort to at least make you feel loved physically, even if its fake and only for a moment. I have to lead people on and make myself feel worse for that. I wish it was different. This is by far the worst breakup I’ve ever had, ever in my life. I wish she would have just left me before doing all of this. Why did I have to break up with you when you were the one who gave up on the relationship? I want to hate you so much

Talking to girls is a lot harder now than it used to be, at least it feels that way. It feels like there is a lot of pressure to be interesting or give someone a reason to love me. My weight loss has stalled, but I’m getting that back on track, at least I’m not gaining weight.

I hate this, I hope it gets better.