06/21/23, The weird and unusual month of June

Man, what a weird, weird month it has been. This month started normal, really no complaints. I thought that everything was perfect, me and Lexi were at a really great place in our relationship, we had just gone on a beautiful date to the beach and enjoyed the crystal blue water and some romantic time by the water. Then, on the 6th of June, completely on accident, I found out that lexi had been cheating on me for a month, maybe longer with some guy from work. it really wasn’t even In a dramatic fashion, I just picked up her iPad to play a game and her texts were open with this guy talking about how much she loved to have sex with him. This was really weird for me. Our relationship seemed perfect up until that point. I had zero suspicion, not even a gut feeling. I immediately kicked her out and haven’t spoken to her since. Since then, I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces. I think I am doing okay. This whole time, I have definitely felt horrible feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment and loneliness, but I still haven’t been able to shed a tear. I try sometimes, and I get close but I really can’t seem to let it out. It is more weird and angering than anything else. From the outside and inside looking in, everyone including myself thought we had the perfect relationship and were going to get married, we had lived together for 8 months and all was well. I supported her life in almost every way, especially financially. I have gone completely no-contact with her, and I think it helps a lot but the one question I always come back to is “why?”. I can grasp pretty much every other aspect of this breakup other than that. She never once let it slip at all that she was having any problems in the relationship. Literally up until the moment I confronted her she acted like she was still in love. She still asked for that last little kiss before I left the room, and still wanted to touch me and call me handsome and have sex. It is really strange in retrospect. I don’t know if it would have hurt more or less if she had given signs beforehand. I don’t plan to ever talk to her again, so I think I will struggle with the “why” for a long time. Life is not bad without her, but it is a little more lonely than I’d like. Otherwise, I’m doing okay. Moving on is weird.