numb

I have been feeling really werid lately Not happy but not sad not depressed just kinda numb.  People ask me how I am and it comes out I’m Fine in an eeyore voice which is not how it is intended.

I think I pinpointed my problem however

My problem is my work!

I am I guess happy in my job I get the work done I feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day I know my work is appriciated which is always a nice feeling.  I feel like I am make good impressions and good work relationships and the second shift ladies and I have great friendships.

But I have always since the Lindas and Billie in my last position been a little tight lipped about my personal life I learned my lesson and i keep my personal life personal as it should be.  However there are somethings that are unavoidable in work and when you jet off to England for a week to bring in the new year people want to know why.  They all know where i went and they all assume i went to see Alan and thats fine I don’t care but I am not giving them a play by play of my trip I am not answering personal questions and I am not discussing my future plans with these people.

The rumors are flying about me.  I am indeed looking into a visa to live in the UK with alan for a year or so to see if things are going to work out.  I am looking into moving sometime next year that is my thoughts my time-line my ideas….and they are not something I am sharing with the general public.  It is no ones buisness if I am thinking of re locating for a while.  It is no one’s buisness when I am thinking of relocating.  It is no ones buisness if I think Alan and I are getting married and It is definatly not anyone’s buisness if I am pregnant!!!

My god it is so annoying to always hear rumors about yourself!!

The women have nothing else to do but speculate and formulate rumors about my life and it is driving me up the wall.  I love my friends and I share a lot with my friends but the problem is i work with my friends and I don’t entirely trust them right now is that bad??

I don’t even know anymore!!!

I went to Christy’s house last weekend with Jamie and Jim Christy’s husband was there we drank and played games and stayed up all night I ended up not leaving Christys till after 2 the next afternoon and it was a blast and I talked about relationships and stuff but even among friends I can’t discuss everything they know I am not pregnant GOOD LORD everyone should know i am not pregnant but they still stir the pot and sometimes I wonderif the biggest pot stirrer in this department Mary Kay isn’t getting her info from Jamie and that upsets me!!

It is so *sighs*  it’s such a downer that Alan seems to have all these people he can talk about us with and i have no one.  I know I have you guys and I have come here a million times wanted to spill it all but I don’t know how or where to start.

Alan and I are talking about me relocating but there are some down sides to the move.

1) I don’t want this to be a permanent move I want to LIVE in the US it’s okay for me to live there for a few years but I don’t want to stay forever I love my family and value my country I am an American and have no desire to be anything else.

2) I think that Alan thinks if i move there for a year or two that we will be so settled in we won’t move and i have to say it will be harder to relocate when we are both making a life somewhere else

3) Alan has a lot of friends but they are (obviously) all his friends and i will have no one when i relocate but him and i don’t want to be one of those girls who has none of her own friends

4) I will miss my family so much I honestly don’t know if i can survive that far from my mom that makes me sound like such a nut job i know that but I don’t know if i can do it!!  I am so close with my mom she is my best friend and I love her so much and i know she depends on me a lot as a confidant and he and my dad are having some troubles and i am just unsure if i can leave her but I HAVE to start my own life and it is gonna suck!!

5) Alan has one friend Steph who I HATE! and she is apparently the one Alan talks to the most about us I see a lot of avaliabilty for her to sabatoge our relationship and she does not like me either.  I know she doesn’t Alan told me once she thought it was a horrible idea for Alan to contact me again.  Alan however swears she likes me and *draws a deep breath*  he actully recently referrered to her as like his priest that he confesses too   WHAT?!?!?! i don’t trust her and i do not wana make nice nice with her!!!  AND Alan says she is the one he goes to to discuss fights and all this stuff NOT COOL I don’t discuss fights with people I leave them alone just for I thought him and I and no one else but apparently when we have had a fight He tells her everything!!>?!?!  shouldn’t he be telling me everything?!?  I don’t know!

I just don’t know what to do I just don’t know!!