Petty

*My life feels very small.

*I keep waiting to wake up and have things be different, Im too lazy to facilitate change.

*Also, if you find my IPod, can I have it back? I really miss it.

*Also, if you find that $50 that mysteriously disappeared from my purse, may I have that back as well? I’d like to buy some eggs and Trader Joe’s juice and maybe a sweater or something.

*Hey- upstairs neighbor- keep your cute cats indoors. Im tired of bringing them back to you, they’re going to get hit by a car and they’re way too cute for that. The girl is pregnant and you promised me a kitten. Be a fucking adult.

*Hey, Chad, youre a sloppy douche bag and I have to restrain myself from punching you in your wet little mouth every time I see you. You think you’re smarter than me, you think you can steal my job? Think again. My boss LOVES me and Im not going anywhere. You are a retard, only dumber because you dont have any brain damage to attribute your idiocy to. I hope your cunty girlfriend never breaks up with you and you stay miserable. Also, quit checking Laura out. She’s like my little sister and you are a disgusting, damp, lizard belly bro and I want to grind your face off on some asphalt.

*Hey, Spider-man 3, I really liked you. Lets hang out again.

*Hey Shannon, I saw a photo shoot in Sydney this week on America’s Next Top Model. The water was  beautiful and it was 5:30 in the morning. I want to go roll around on that beach.

*Hey Thrift Stores, why did all of your cool stuff go away? I miss buying things from you guys.

*Hey Saturdays- tell everyone to take a different day off so I can hang out and do things and not have to deal with gigantic crowds of bargain-shopping Mexicans and loud cell phone talking assholes that get in my way.

*Hey cute grey bird shoes, be more comfortable. I want to wear you more but you hurt my heels.

*Hey Martin, dont ever quit. I love you. You keep me sane.

*Why doesn’t my apartment complex have a mail pick up? I have to drive around to find one of those public mail boxes. I hate that.

*Let’s have sex and play in the woods and make crafts and eat some jasmine rice and take a bath with a good book and candles. Lets be cheesy. You are the one, the one that lies close to me.

*Quit acting jealous of me, quit taking my help for granted, quit acting entitled and treating me like Im hired help. Quit comparing my problems to things in your life; I cant just BE around you. Dont underestimate me, Im not stupid and I know the inflection on your tiniest syllable. Quit folding your arms and saying "uh-huh" in that infuriating tone when I try to speak to you. Quit acting like youre better than everyone.

*Hey, Postal Service, make a new album.

*Im very tired. I feel like I waste time if I sleep, though.

*I had a horrible dream that was just remembering sex with an ex-boyfriend when I was 19…he wouldn’t really fuck me, he would just put his weird dislocated and crooked thumb inside of me and wiggle it around while he laid his head on my stomach and watched Depeche Mode videos. He never told me what he did for a living and ditched me on Valentine’s Day after I sent him beautiful flowers. I was a bad teenager, too many books and movies and ethnic influences. He was creepy and I should have dumped him sooner.

*I play this game with the Emo kids that come into my work…when I see them, I touch my bangs and make sure they’re in my eyes. They always do the same. Its like a gang sign for sad people. I love it.