7-1

I watch my cat look out the screened balcony door. She knows that there is more out there.
I let my towel slip to the ground, regret the weight I gained in the last few months and remember how it felt to be thinner and yet never satisfied in my own body. I have been sick, things have happened, its going to slide right back off. I will always have big tits, its just unfair. At least I have two, for a while one was about to break up with me.
When I pet her, I can smell the distinctness of her fur. She comforted me when I was sick, licked tears, burrowed under blankets. What haven’t I done for her? We’re just ready to sleep. That’s all she needs, I know it in her human blue eyes. I think Jesus might have had eyes like her, warm and knowing. Not just blue but silver and shades of gray- the color of heaven reflecting in Atlas’ ocean. The color of loving more than they can see.

7. I dont know anyone that is jealous of me.

6. Im afraid of looking like my mother.

5. I suffer a mild post-traumatic stress disorder due to my last relationship. Sometimes I still wake up sweating in a progressed state of panic, I think I am somewhere else years ago, getting up to check email or count the hours until I could call. I talk myself back down, get a drink of juice, read some of a book. I am not there. I read the journal I kept at the time, I want to time-travel, call myself baby, tuck myself in and find a way to come through it cleanly. I know I wouldn’t learn as much.

4. I can carry a lot more than you think. Im the strongest person I know.

3. I can hurt just as deeply as the next shrinking violet. I cringe, I wince. Embarrassment is a little death for me.

2. Ive lied to my Dr to get prescription medication for someone else.

1. I feel guilty for the miscarriage I had.