I Quit Quitting Quitting

Well, I know many of you will be pleased to hear that my experiment to quit quitting smoking was a disaster.

Day before yesterday, I finally bought a pack of smokes, determined to give it one more shot. I got home, lit one up, and damnit it was NASTY.

But no matter, the first smoke after a while always tastes nasty, I figure. So yesterday, I spark up another one. Just as nasty. Maybe even moreso. The smoke stank unbearably, it didn’t feel nice in my mouth, worse in my lungs, and worst of all in my throat. I start to suspect this may be a no-go.

I had another one later that day, and one again just now, and I think I’m pretty much over it. I used to really enjoy smoking, regardless of all the other factors, and now, it would seem, I really, really don’t anymore.

It’s funny, even after almost a year off the cigs, I never considered myself a "non-smoker". I don’t believe in labels like that. I always knew I could pick it up again any time I wanted, without feeling like I betrayed my efforts to quit. But now, I don’t think it’s likely I’ll smoke again at all, and especially not regularly.

At least I didn’t cough and choke and splutter. So if I’m ever called upon to smoke socially, I won’t have to be one of those people who’s all left out or something. (I don’t know what occasion might call for such a context, but you never know! =P)

So yeah. You can go ahead and corral all your high horses now. I’ve quit my attempts to quit quitting cigarettes, and barring some very bizarre company/occasion, don’t see myself lighting up again any time soon.

On a side note, I’m officially off the oxycodone as of yesterday. I have a little cache of leftover pills stowed away in my safe for really rainy days, but no more daily doping for me. I guess that’s part of why I chose this time to start smoking again – a man’s gotta have at least ONE vice if he wants to stay interesting, you know?

I just typed a whole paragraph about my Tourette’s meds and the awful side effects, before recalling that I did that last entry. So suffice to say, things aren’t better there yet. My sleeping patterns have gone to shit, my dry mouth leaves me literally choking, and waking up every half hour at night to sip water so I don’t die. And the blurred vision, well, if I didn’t have this borrowed pair of reading glasses my buddy loaned me, I wouldn’t be here typing this right now.

I would just really love to know what it feels like to not have to rely on ANY kind or drug or medication, to function as a normal adult human being…