Brain Crash

(This is the first part of a two-part post begun on 28-Apr-07, and completed today, 8-May-07. I split the intro off from the main portion of the post because together, they were over the 30,000 character entry limit. However, try to bear in mind, however confusingly, that the first part of the combined entry, including the introduction in this post and the beginning of the survey rewrite in the following post, was written before my previous post, but then continued over the course of the following ten days, with various mood changes over that span of time. Vastly confusing, I know, but bear with me!)

Hahahah… job applications, masterpieces, cures for cancer… it’d be funny if it weren’t true! I wonder how much of the world’s greatest science and art has been lost due to Windows programs crashing and losing the data… =P Anyhow, you guys are all right – stupid not to write long entries in another program and save them as I go along, and then paste them in OD when I’m done. I didn’t think I needed to anymore, since OD is vastly more stable than the old days, and Firefox usually restores crashed sessions well. But, apparently not well enough, so I won’t tempt fate again. Well, until the next time that I do. =P Anyways….

Recently, and by which I mean generally over the past couple of years, give or take, I have been experiencing a large number of particularly futile days. And I’m referring to a mental state here, since technically speaking, my entire existence is futile, but most of my life, I’ve had no trouble remaining very nihilistic about that fact. But "recently", I find myself experiencing more and more days in which I don’t cope well with the feeling. I’ll find myself floating around my little world, feeling like every single thing I do has absolutely no purpose whatsoever, and ergo, is utterly useless to do. The sensation saps all joy out of any of the few things in life I can usually derive aesthetic satisfaction out of, such as certain movies, TV shows, books, songs, etc. It turns every activity into a monotonous chore in which I must force myself to participate just to pass the time until I can sleep next.

Anyhow, more on that later, but my point for now is, I’m having one of those days right now.

Therefore seeing as no matter I do, it will feel completely futile to me and I will derive no pleasure whatsoever from it, I figured I might as well take the opportunity to engage in a rather futile task at the best of times, and one that even on a good day would seem like a chore. Rewriting the enormous entry I lost the other day when my browser crashed, and trying to get it as close to word for word to the original as I can. It took me a few hours to write the first time, on and off, maybe I can kill a few now rewriting it.

I hope some of you readers can take more joy in reading this than I will writing it!

From this point on*, I am attempting to recreate my previous post…

(* = See next post for the rewrite of the aforementioned lost post, due to character limit restrictions that prevented me from including it in this post, the way I’d intended it. My brain is melting…)

Continued next entry… >>