NOT LIKE THAT! Quotes

Ok, my mind is in the gutter. This is a brainchild of me and Amanda. We started writing stuff down that people say that sounds incredibly wrong. Sometimes, when we get bored, we arrange them into conversations. Like I said, I have no life.

-Quit stroking me!
-There’s a big blurry picture there of a big scary apparatus.
-It’s just the way you grabbed it.
–Good pen.
-It usually gets bigger as it comes towards you.
-Give me a damned slurpee, BITCH!
-It goes a lot faster when you know what you’re doing.
-Oh crap. It’s too short.
-If you get like that, you get stuck in one position, and you can’t get out.
-She’s just playing with my Koosh.
-Fine, you can be abusive. But I get to do it!
-Did you spank your parents?
-That would be the type of thing I’d do if I were getting paid.
-It’s the ultimate suicide machine – it vibrates!
-Turn around. Come here. I’m bored
-I didn’t mean to. I just opened my mouth and it fell in!
-No way in hell is that going in.
-My butt! My butt! It’s too big! Pull it out!
-I didn’t even get up in time!
-Just head, or full body?
-I can’t get it on!
-If you stick it in too far, it won’t work.
-Hey, whenever you’re ready to do your things, make sure you have your gloves on.
-If you didn’t do it right, and the thing’s not empty, you’re gonna have to do it again.
-Lift your leg.
-I can’t get into the right position to screw this!
-YOU BROKE IT!

These are for real. None of these were meant to sound like that.