passion

three years ago my heart still screamed your name into an unknowing abyss, my blood rushed through my veins as a knife tearing through flesh, you were my heartbeat hanging in the air upon an unseen wind stirring the dust in my eyes. i was blinded and enchanted, i was yours and yours alone. now i am simply alone. as i choose this worn path of which a good part of the world does, i know each step only begs for another because moving forward is only something very difficult to do. i miss you true, fore i shall forever, and i remember you in a fondness because i choose to still know those moments of completion…though i sometimes wonder if they might have ever been. three years ago we said our goodbyes as if they could have been everlasting, but what does it mean when i still hear your voice inside my phone?  that you even care to bother with hearing my incessant ramblings of the charade of which i have become too accustomed? i sometimes wonder if i should even bother with the thought of you, if i should continue in such a manner as to pretend you were only a show i was engrossed in playing over and over on the television. and i taped the havoc the tidal wave of emotion as it twisted sharply through our lives entangling them together like a moth in a spider’s web, waiting as it knows the spider will smother it hold on to it devour it. my brain says no and it echoes down the halls of solitude inside my mind. you are one who cannot be without someone else, someone who needs the greivance of others to torment your soul, someone who holds such warmth and passion somewhere it is taken completely for granted. consume my fire, rip through its flames rushing over the tips as a flood of a million rains extinguishing its trivial non-existance.  and i only beg of the sweet release from the claws you have digging into my flesh, but without that constant, i am only me. i do not know who i am, cannot fathom a world where my life means more than anything so priceless and valuable as a dollar amongst theives. and where the world holds its hands out in front of you, it is i who begs nothing more than just one answer that can write a story to right the chaos shadowing our parts in one another’s past. i am only me and that i can continue to believe because it is the one thing constant in this world other than change. i try to change my direction, everytime being shot down in a different and clever manner. inside the agony screams so loud that heaven cannot contain its anguish. the pain is part of me, such a part that without it, i wonder if i could even be. in the awakening, my heart hears only itself beating calm and sure that it is only positive of its own rhythm and rhyme. and the chord it carries is melancholy sadness draped upon my shoulders sleeping soundly amongst the covers protecting my unknowing unconsciousness. and the world is met with the ponders of what fate should befall me today. the tension builds enrupts in a rage festering inside a heart tempting its resistance awaiting an imminent explosion as it shatters unsure how much these limbs can hold in before disaster intrudes with beady eyes and intentions to leave nothing in its wake….but it is only me

so here i leave you with a quote from a tv show i loved…..

Passion
It lies in all of us.
Sleeping, waiting, 
And though unwanted, unbidden, 
it will stir, open its jaws, and howl.
It speaks to us… guides us…

Passion rules us all. And we obey.
What other choice do we have?

Passion is the source of our finest moments.
The joy of love… the clarity of hatred…and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear.

If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace.
But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank…
Without passion, we’d be truly dead.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Passions