looking through the hourglass

inside my heart i feel a pain that i cannot even begin to share. there are moments that intrude within my mind, playing evil tricks on my conscience. i feel an emptiness, cold and bothersome, and the one person who i could tell my secrets is no longer here with me.

there are days that i do not think about it….no not really….because it hasn’t faded from my thoughts. the image is still burned into my eyes. “they” say this will be one of the hardest things i will ever have to overcome. “they” say that the pain lessens with time. “they” say it was just his time to go. i cannot even begin to understand how or why, only that the nightmare i awoke to is still running and in motion twisted around my life.

oh how i miss him, the great guy he was, my best friend, my family…..and it tears me in two every time i think about it. the stinging behind my eyes, the wrenching in my gut, the way i shake uncontrollably. i always pictured phillip as one of my old heartfelt friends, us in our 40’s and thinking back on all the crazy things we had done. and now i see that my thoughts were mistaken and it is an impossible dream to grow old with him.

i just don’t know how i am. if i am infact alright and making it or if i’m holding a blindfold over my eyes. i’m sad, i miss him

here is something i wrote for the funeral….

“Though the favorites of the gods die young, they also live eternally in the company of gods.” Friedrich Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy

Your absence will be an enduring feat for those you have left behind to overcome. Our hearts ache with every thought and memory your spirit embraces. We are the legacy you leave behind to honor and cherish your name and memory; and though we feel broken and void, you are always in our minds and hearts, living in each tear and breath last expired.

To your very last second, you were always the man we have grown to know so well and to love. When we call upon you in our prayers, we know you will answer in the same heartfelt way in which you always had.

This pain cuts to the heart – to the furthest and deepest emotions of loss and loneliness. And these feelings boiling under the surface cling to those memories of our honored friend still standing tall and overcoming. You were a loved son, an honored friend, a loving uncle, and a beloved companion.

You are so sweetly missed with each loving memory holding on to your presence, enduring in our hearts, and remembered with our thoughts. I know you will be warmly welcomed into heaven because you had a heart of gold.

 

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,

Tears from the depth of some divine despair

Rise in the heart and gather to the eyes,

In looking on the happy Autumn-fields,

And thinking of the days that are no more.

Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail,

That brings our friends up from the underworld,

Sad as the last which reddens over one

That sinks with all we love below the verge

So sad, so fresh, the days that are no more.

Ah, sad and strange as in dark summer dawns

The earliest pipe of half-awakened birds

To dying ears, when unto dying eyes,

The casement slowly grows a glimmering square;

So sad, so strange, the days that are no more.

Dear as remember’d kisses after death,

And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feign’d

On lips that are for others; deep as love,

Deep as first love, and wild with all regret;

O Death in Life, the days that are no more.

The Princess, Alfred Lord Tennyson

nothing great but all i could manage