insanity of the rational

i feel the urge, a shuffle of the deck with but one chance to find the ace lost among the crowd. i wrap my mind around thoughts lost to skeletons in the closet and sometimes i can hear the gentle rapping upon the door. and when the need is too much and i feel the rage growing trapped within my chest, i sigh a heavy breath, steady myselfagain, and open the door. with a forgotten warmth i take the frigid hand of the skeleton and release it from its dungeon, and we dance a memory, longing to belong, and dreaming of forever. as each step quickens and a rhythm is found, the music can no longer drown out the anguish, the dancing stops, and with a weary heart i hide the memory once more behind a closet door.

i know i cannot play this game, because these games have no rules, no boundaries, nothing tangible but an incessant and growing pain. i play with the meaning of words we have thrown about, not knowing a true meaning within them, dissecting each unknowing look, and falling victim of a building anticipation. reality simply won’t tell me, refuses to give me the script, and leads a failing romantic obsession into the fires that consume.

misconstrued unjust infatuations lead to worlds of mistrust and compulsive displacement painted in shades of the darkest greys. why can’t it be like jeopardy, the answers first given, and only the question to explain. perhaps it’s all the same. i feel as if i should be constructive, do some school work or clean the room maybe even run around the block, but the impression proves false as an emotional turmoil stirs within myself. runs with my thoughts, give life to memory, and the present situation i constently find myself confined to.

i’m finding it terribly difficult to spell today, randomly forgetting how to spell words i have always spelled, randomly spacing out to some other land….i had forgotten what it meant to be truly alone.

i could still hang on, but i know i should just let go and forget it all, but i am this person hurting for the nothing i never truly possessed. on to other things, i’ll reach for the world, i am holding out my hand begging for an understanding that would tip the scales towards a seperate way.

EVERYTHING THAT’S DONE TODAY
WILL BE TOMORROW’S CURSE