here’s the jest

i have grown to play the game by the rules of another of whom i will not mention because as you know i am not prone to using names fore i feel it invades other’s space…

this philosophy of hers is that you can only answer for yourself and no one else

i totally agree. we steadfast ourselves on projecting blame onto others when infact we play a substantial role in the scheme of things. i, by no way, am defending anyone or anything that has occurred in the present nor in the past…i am only saying that the majority of reality lives in a surreal deception of which deceives those close to him/her and himself/herself. when infact we have all done wrong, with the exception of BC , we have intentionally harmed someone whether physically or emotionally….which is worse, at least physical wounds heal realitively quick whereas emotionally these wounds breed hate and fear, rejection, loneliness….we have even sometimes prided ourselves in inflicting such pain, because within the opinion which drives us, it appeared just and worthy of a cause. we judge and condemn and hate and love and push ourselves into thoughts of self worth and self neglect as we flush the reality of others down the drain. how many times have i ever really asked myself why does someone behave the way that they do…..not many….yet we constantly blame other’s for our very actions so why haven’t the scales tipped, what wrongs have the others been forced into and live with, what hurt could have inched its way into another’s heart making it hard to hold actions within a grip. but then way the fuck should anyone even care i apparently don’t  know what the fuck i’m talking about anymore because i just can’t fucking concentrate……………….

AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on the other hand i feel quite surely i might just puke my intestines up and then have to swallow them right back down….my nerves are shot and though i know i can do the agility test for my firefighter’s exam, i still feel every bit as nervous as a rat being chanced by a cat with every intention of eating the little fucker…..i can do this, i know i can…..still the nervousness, the uncertainty, the vague thought that even if i do i might still not make it into this academy, i hate rejection as do most. but it is a routine of which i have become accustomed. and this fucking numbness in my fingers stresses me even more, what the fuck is wrong with me, why can’t i feel part of my hand, why can’t i get the ball fucking rolling for me. i’m fed up, i want to just quit, just give up, just become the useless Cancer i have always been and retreat into my shell

BUT STILL SHE REFUSES HER FATE, SHE WILL WRITE HER OWN