abandoned love

i’m realizing now even more so then ever that i really don’t know myself anymore. you helped me find the person i thought i should be…but now it runs through thoughts of loneliness and self denial. i’ve always denied my thoughts, my person was defined on such increments, but after such time the boundaries begin to crumble and fall away into the void. i’ve lost my poetic side, not that i much wish to be the hopeless romantic anymore, but it’s in my blood, it courses through my veins like a raging volcano to be devoured in the furnace.

i find myself worrying about you as it has been quite awhile since last i’ve heard of you…there are moments that it seems i seize reality and that i know everything that i need know, until i wake up staring blankly at the ceiling and wondering if i will ever know who i am. i’m not in touch anymore…i’ve lost the world to the roar in my subconscious and it makes me envious of the real world. but i ask why i should envy it? i cannot hold onto the world spinning away from my axis any longer.

sometimes i know you held onto me because you felt some guilt…that you felt if i should make my world cease in a sudden moment that maybe it was your fault…you’ve told me this, and i wonder, but i find that curiosity is not a good thing. and then i wonder again how you are and if all of yours is good and well…and i wonder if it weren’t could you even tell me the truth. but i question the world, my existence, our existence….is it not all trivial in the end?

and i feel the vertigo in my utmost moments of surreal sobriety, i have fallen and i feel the fire burning my wings away from hurten flesh. my grasp loses sanity and i feel the stars racing across my skin, searing my thoughts, running away into infinity and bliss…and i’m lost to the night…and though seldom does sleep invade my weary mind, i lose myself to the ceiling as i had for years before i had ever graced your presence. my heart hurt then for reasons unknown but only that i had a forthcoming revelation that my world would falter beneath my feet…and the end would fear to consume me for fear of consuming my thoughts, my existence….and i wonder how could i be so selfish.

i stumbled across your keychain the other day…and i thought why must i hold on to the past as if it were part of my future….and i thought a thought that never had crossed my wits before…—just throw it all away—…but i cannot do that, i refuse to do that as i will til the breath fades from my lips…could it be so easy and i know it cannot. and though i know that our worlds have touched different horizons and painted seperate sunsets, i know too that our worlds are somehow intermingled…and i do not understand.

and i shall not

nor will i ask any longer for an explanation because i finally understand that how some things are unconditional they are also something that may never have an understanding.

i miss the drugs, i miss the nights of complete delerium because those are nights i forgot my humanity and i remembered what it was like to live. and live means evil backwards….i remember, i do

here i watch the pulse of the monitor and i wish only that i wasn’t so lazy to write but it’s difficult to keep up with the words whenever you write and much easier to strike the keys on the keyboard and make music whereas the writing only falls behind gets lost and fades away.

i miss reading your words, i really do and i’m not so sure how i could convince you of this or even if you would wish me to.

my world crumbles and i race the speed of pain. i held the cardboard box in my hands the other day, but i could not bring myself to open the lid and peer inside its scent…i wanted to feel alone, i wanted to be alone, and i knew that my world had found its place once again, alone

i need to know how you are, if you are okay, and that your world has not consumed your soul…