wedding guests behaving badly before the wedding

Seriously, there are some people I’d like to tell off, or punch in the nose. But etiquette demands that I act like they havent said something offensive, or distressing, or worrying, or thoughtless.

Two people told me they intended to wear white dresses to the wedding.

Seriously? Have you been living under a rock?

Have you never heard that it is inappropriate to wear a white dress to a wedding? If there is any rule at all about what guests should wear, it is, dont wear white or ivory to a wedding. Period. That’s it. That’s not even hard to understand or remember.

One was a 12 year old girl who wanted to wear her confirmation dress to the wedding, her grandmother informed me and asked if it was ok. I told the grandmother, my adopted mom, that this was a good opportunity for explaining wedding etiquette to the girl (my adopted niece) and explaining that one never wears a white dress to a wedding.

Last night, a middle aged woman (who really ought to know better and I would have expected her to know better, as she’s pretty good about etiquette) mentioned her plan to wear a white dress to the wedding. I just said, “Oh, you never wear white to a wedding.” She said it’s a good thing she has a week to shop to buy something else.

I’ll just say it here because this is my blog and I can say whatever I want: You freaking idiot. Why are you telling a bride a week before her wedding that you want to break the biggest etiquette rule of weddings ever?

I cant tell anyone else that, but I can sure as heck say that here.

Last night one of my maids of honor told me she plans to be getting her hair and nails done on the actual day of the wedding.

I replied back to her message asking her if she realized that the wedding is that very morning.

Uh no, she thought the wedding was 4 days later.

Seriously? You’ve got an invitation telling you the actual day and time of the wedding, and you’ve known this for over a year now, are you really wanting to tell the bride a week before the wedding that you have no idea when the actual wedding is taking place?

I’ve had several guests give flippant remarks about attending. “Oh, I dont want to bother coming to the reception because I have things to do.” Yes, someone literally said that to me. She won’t be attending the wedding at all, and our friendship is over. Which is ok since she never had time to spend with me anyway, I guess these things come out at times like this. I did attempt to write her an email explaining etiquette, as it might be a cultural thing that she does not know, and just explaining how her comments sound, as well as better ways to say things that would be less offensive. I tried to be really careful in what I said, gently explaining things, but I’m not sure how well I did. Her response was pretty poor, and she rambled on about her problems and apparently didnt really understand what I said, because she then broke all the etiquette rules all over again and was even more offensive, but this time she knew it. whatever.

I’ve had a few guests hint that they might not come, or might come despite the fact that they said they would not come.

Uhm. By the way, if you didnt know this, we have to pay for each plate of food, each place setting at a table, each serving of wine, champagne, cake and everything served. Every favor, every gift, you see it, we paid for it.

So if you don’t come, we pay for it anyway, since you said you would come.

If you do come despite the fact that you told us you would not come, the caterer has to scramble to get you a chair and a plate of food and charges us for it. And we did not budget for you, since you said you were not coming.

It is a lot to ask us to do, and it’s appallingly rude.

Either you are coming, or you are not coming, period. make up your damn mind. unless you get in a car accident on the way there, or you have a serious family emergency that requires you to sit at the hospital emergency room, or something along those lines. Dont be a jerk and say, ‘oh my mom has been in ill health for the past 10 years, so we’ll see how it goes.’

right. someone said that. now, if she suddenly takes a bad turn for the worse and needs your help, of course I would fully understand a last minute cancellation. but if she’s doing as she always does on every day, and you go off to work while she’s like that, then I am going to just say that it would be a terrible reason to not go to the wedding and reception.

why does it seem like people havent a clue how much this all costs?

we are paying about $100 per person who attends. which includes food, cake, wine, champagne, table linens, room rental, dj, flowers, favors, and all the costs associated with just the reception.

and mind you, we got the room at about 1/3rd the rate it usually costs, we got the flowers at a budget price, the dj was reasonably priced, the favors we are making ourselves, we bought the wine and champagne on sale and saved hundreds of dollars, and we got the cake at a beautiful price. This reception could easily have cost more than twice what we are paying, maybe even 3 times more.

oh and the best man had the nerve to ask if we’d be offended if he refused to accept communion at our wedding.

I was livid.

yes, yes I would be incredibly offended, so offended that if he insisted on this, then he should not be in the wedding party at all. because to me, that’s akin to refusing to drink to a toast because you disagree with it. it would look like he did not support our marriage, did not believe we should get married, and was protesting it. and in that case, he really should not be in the wedding party if he’s going to do that.

K talked to him, and explained how it would look to us as well as the other guests, and B actually apologized to me, and told me he does support our marriage, he was just uncomfortable with some of the church’s beliefs and the idea that he’s supposed to confess about having sex with his girlfriend.

so we talked about it, and I said you cannot confess something as a sin if you honestly, in your heart, do not believe it is a sin. Not to just hand out loopholes, but it’s true. You cant lie just to fulfill someone else’s demands. you cannot confess something because someone else says it is bad.

anyway. at least that resolved. he will accept communion to bless our marriage. whew.

I think that is it so far. It seems like people really just havent got a clue sometimes. that planning an event for a good sized group of people actually requires logistical concerns, decisions made ahead of time, and you cant just change things at the last minute.

please, if you know anyone is having a party or a big event, don’t be a jerk. be a nice guest, be polite, look up the etiquette rules that are appropriate for the event and follow them. and dont jerk them around and make them spend all sorts of money on you and then repay them with more stress and hassle than it is worth.

thank you.

thanks for letting me rant here, I dont want to be a stressed out bride right before the wedding ceremony.