Must decide: to change my last name to his?
Ultimately, as a friend recently put it, it is my name, it is whatever is right for me. Whether that means to take his last name when I marry him, or not.
So today is the last day in which to decide what actually feels right to me. As tomorrow morning we are getting the marriage license. I have to fill it out how I want my name to be, or it will be a much bigger hassle if I decide to change it any time later. This is what my name will be on the marriage license forever, so, yeah. it’s now or never.
So I wanted to blog about it, what it feels like, and figure out for myself what is right for me.
People have given me a lot of advice on the topic. From “I’m traditional so I took his name” to “This is who I am, and he fell in love with me with this name, why should I change it?” (I rather like the latter.
and then there’s the guilt trips.
You’re not really married if you dont take his name. sort of ridiculous thinking in my mind.
Why would you even consider changing your name? Uhm, because I have a choice, and I get to choose what is right for me.
Another funny component, his cousin has a similar first name to mine, and shares a last name with him. so it would be Kristen and Kirstin B in the same family. sort of weird.
Random thoughts on the name change:
My current last name starts with M. I love M’s.
K and I share a first initial, so if I changed my name to his, we’d share first and last initials, which could be quite confusing. We already joke about our first initial, saying, “I’m going to put a K on this to mark it as mine!”
I decided to spend part of today imagining that I decided to go with his last name and see how it feels.
I’ve already gone awhile imagining that I kept my last name and that felt quite good.
Especially when a friend told me I can still go by Mrs. M (rather than the dreaded Ms. M) if I want to, and tell anyone who has a problem with it to shove off. That was a relief. I’m looking forward to the Mrs. thing.
One benefit of changing my last name: I rather like change. I might just like this change.
Oh I messaged K’s cousin, Kristen, and asked her what she thought of our rather matching name possibility. she likes it, and was pushing for it, saying the children having the same name and all.
But mentioned that a family member always misspells her first name, which made me think. With a name like Kirstin, I always get misspellings and mispronunciations, but my last name actually only rarely gets a misspelling or mispronunciation. Most people can pronounce it and hear it the first time.
Kyle’s last name won’t be nearly so easy, I’ll have to spell it out, say it repeatedly, though probably a bit less so than Kirstin. But still. It would give me another hassle namewise.
Wow, that’s such a great point. I’ve rather enjoyed the easiness of my last name.
Ok, so back to imagining taking K’s last name.
Imagining the paperwork involved in changing everything. which would be fine if it’s something I really want to do.
Oh, I remember something interesting.
I used to get psychic readings, and enjoyed them overall. but what was interesting about them was that I would be asked to say my name at birth, then say my current name. I changed my last name and added a second middle name in 1995, so I would say my birth name, and then say my current name. And every single time, I’d feel a different thing with each name. My old name felt heavy and unattached to me. My newer name felt right, felt energetic, felt good.
I just tried saying all my names, 3, then 4, then 5 names!
they all feel different.
the last one feels enormously long, but it feels good, to my surprise.
I’m not sure if it really feels right for me.
my current name feels strong and good.
I’m leaning toward keeping my name as it is. But I got a name report from http://www.kabalarians.com on all three of my names – past, present, possible future. and I’ll read what they have to say about my destiny with my name. 😉
I was pushed into taking my ex’s name. I now wish I stood my ground and hyphenated.
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very cool, thank you for sharing this! having gone through a name change myself, I think it’s important to spend time thinking about these things. I know you’ll do what’s right for you. enjoy exploring the possibilities!
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have any of you considered the possibility of him changing his last name to yours? why are YOU the one who has to decide to change or not? and what about creating a new name that is a mix of both your surnames (not necessarily a hypenated name)?
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That kind of sucks about the marriage license. In Canada (or at least Ontario) the license has nothing to do with the name change. We choose that after the wedding and even then it can be done at the wife or husband’s leisure. As long as it’s chosen before we get our marriage certificate (which can’t be applied for until three months after the marriage) then it’s fine.
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I went with my husbands last name because I HATED my maiden name. His last name is a common one so now there are hundreds of people with the exact same name as me. I don’t regret it because when I married him who I was ultimately changed and to me it was a symbol of this major life change. I left single me and my single name behind. I’m all for doing it either way.
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*random noter* How about using both names? Like Kirsten M—- B—-. That’s what one of my friends did and it worked out pretty well.
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What about making up your own unique name? : D
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I messaged you on FB about this already, but I agree that the last name is a bit long and will be difficult to deal with. :-p Didn’t you create your M last name? Have you guys considered, like others suggested, coming up with your own unique last name? Or is he attached to his name because of his family? I know YOU created your CURRENT name to define YOU as you ARE, and do you really want to give
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it up after all the effort you went through with changing it the first time? *GIGANTIC RIDICULOUSLY HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE LOVING LOVING LOVING HUGS*
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Personally I don’t see the reason to keep your name if you are marrying him–unless he has quite an unusual name like smelly or stinky In those cases I would want to keep my own name
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Thank you for the honest feedback, I appreciate it. I keep getting pulled between falling for him or holding back. /:
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Its a personal choice. I would take his last name myself simply because its traditional and respectful, but to each their own.
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I saw you on the front page. Just do what you want. So many women are keeping their names these days that you won’t be super unusual if you keep yours. I kept mine. My dd has my last name. My dh is fine with it. He has a horrible last name and we talked about him changing to mine but at the time we were young and poor and just didn’t have the money to do that. Now he is professionally established so his is staying.
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As someone with a complicated surname I’d encourage you to keep your own! Personally, if I was Smith or Jones I’d keep my name but hell I’m going to get married JUST to change my name!
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Random: I took my husband’s last name because no one could spell or pronounce my maiden name (and it was just an ugly name). Since it was my biological father’s last name, I had no attachment to it anyway.
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Meh your choice, I think I’d take the other name just because it’s simpler to both have the same name, but then I’ve never really thought my name dictates who I am. Identity is a lot more than a surname. Hope you can come up with the answer, personally I don’t see a big deal in changing the names though.
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readers choice. hyphenate? if it sounds good. i feel like thats what i might end up doing because my first name sounds weird with any other last name because its different
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I literally did not decide until I signed the marriage license. I hyphenated. To be honest, I regret it – not so much because I don’t feel like part of the family or married, but because my name is LONG, haha. I had an ethnic maiden name I did not want to give up, and I also wanted to continue to honor my family, but I think I should have just taken it as a second middle name for convenience. Socially I do go by his last name and our children will take his name, and I have people call us the ‘Hislastnames’ (which does sound a little more together-y). Still, I’m glad I did keep my last name in some way.
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all I can say is its pretty easy to change everything if u do take his name….in other words the extra paperwork is a minor consideration so go with your gut.
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I took my 1st husbands name. Changing it back after the divorce was such a hassle. My new husbands name is Johnson, which is common and plain. I kept my birth name. All 3 of my kids have a different last name than me, but I’m ok with that. My husband doesnt care one bit that I didn’t take his name, and people ask, and I explain. Its especially confusing cause we’re in the Army and ppl see the
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2 different last names and refuse to believe we’re married, or they jump all over him with the “How could you not make her take your last name” bit. Sorry, marriage is about love and trust and fmaily, not about having matching last names
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If you like your last name and your name as is…keep it. It’s a hassle to change all your checkbooks, SS cards, passports, etc…
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For my mom’s first marriage she changed her name to my dad’s. After they divorced she kept it until she remarried again. When her second marriage ended she changed it back to my dad’s name so it would match all of us kids. Personally I would say either keep your own, hyphen them, or make up a new one.
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WHY DONT U JUST KEEP UR LAST? I KNOW I DID CUZ I DIDNT FEEL LIKE CHANGING EVERYTHING. BUT IF U CHANGE UR MIND, U CAN STILL CHANGE UR MAME TO WHATEVA U LIKE LATER ON DOWN THE LINE.
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in the end what makes you happy counts here. Take care love x
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I kept mine for the first marriage but very very proud to have my new husbands name, I just love sharing his name.
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