how can I word this awkward family situation?

or awful family situation.

Here’s the truth. In case you are starting at this entry.

I’ll do a quick run through, and put a longer version at the end that you dont have to read unless you want more details.

I haven’t seen my biological family in literally years.

I have made efforts, called, mailed, emailed invitations, all with no response.

I have sent Christmas presents and cards, given them yearly updates on my life so that they knew what was actually going on in my life, if just the happiest version of what was going on.

Just so you know, it was often more expense than I could afford and I went hungry, literally, so that I could give them a gift. And I was incredibly creative – buying Christmas cards and gifts at thrift shops, making Christmas cd’s myself to save expense, etc.

I have offered to come visit in person, and been refused. long version down below.

When I got engaged, my biological mother said she would like to meet K, and only invited K (not me) to visit her at her store. when I repeatedly explained that he neither owned a car nor could come visit her during her store hours, as he has a 9-5, M-F, job far away, she ignored this. and then told everyone she could that I would not let him visit her. My bio mom also, behind my back, sent emails to a woman I know and love (and I call her my adopted mother) and tried claiming that I was a manipulative liar and the whole family hates me and that she, my adopted mother, should, as well. I saw the emails.

Bio mom also stalked K’s parents online to find their address, and sent them a letter without even asking me for their address, or letting me know she wanted to contact them. I was afraid she would write a letter like the one she wrote to my adopted mother, so it was considerably stressful, although it allowed me a chance to explain to K’s mom about my awful bio family.

Bio oldest sister, J, got frantic messages from bio mom telling her that I was terrible and lying and attacking bio mom, and so then J was the person contacting me, writing terrible emails to me that caused some major distress some months ago. Nothing I said or explained to her did any good.

I blocked bio mom and bio sister from my email accounts months ago. enough.

My aunt, M, has ignored every contact I have attempted to make with her – every letter, every christmas present (no such thing as a thank you note from her, which is pitiful – she has plenty of money and time and wherewithal to at least bloody write a thank you note, if not send a gift), every Christmas card.

so it was very awkward when K and I went to visit my aunt V and uncle J in Sonoma yesterday, and she asked if M and my bio mom are coming to the wedding.

What the hell do I say?

I said I hadnt invited them. I said I honestly hadn’t heard from them in years, and aunt M had ignored every card, letter, and gift I had sent her, and I really didnt know why.

I said it was really tough, but I didnt know what was going on.

I said a few times that I just hadnt had any contact with them no matter how I tried.

It was awkward.

So now what do I say to her? What can I possibly say that doesnt make me look somehow very bad for not inviting these people?

How is this?

“We really wanted to invite everyone, and tried to make contact, but it went really badly with my mother and sister. I dont know why. That honestly breaks my heart.

I haven’t heard from aunt M in years despite sending her cards and gifts.

We are having a small wedding, and paying for it ourselves, and have very little money, we had to decide to just invite the people who have some contact with us, and love us, and care about us.”

here’s the long version of more details.

my biological family has had next to no contact with me in the past 20 years. It has been extremely minimal: literally could count the number of face to face visits on my hands. maybe just one hand. I’ve even run into them in my town, where they obviously had not tried to call me to tell me they would be so near my house, or arranged a visit to see me while here. my oldest sister apparently comes to my town every week, as she lives just 20 minutes away, and has made no effort to see me since my father’s funeral in 2002. I’ve lived here since 1996. the one time I saw her since the funeral was when I accidentally ran into her and my mother in a shopping area in my town. When I mentioned my sister hadnt seen me since the funeral, she said I was mistaken, and refused to believe it and yet had no example of when I saw her since then.

I offered to come visit – all at great personal expense (I believe they are well aware that I am very poor): to rent a car to drive there (I didnt own a car for 10 years), to get a hotel room (to visit my bio mother, who lives just 3 hours’ drive away), to visit on any day in which my bio mother had free time to visit me at a cafe or restaurant of her choosing, and been told she just absolutely had no time in which to meet with me. I offered to come at any time in which she did have time to visit with me, and asked her to just let me know whenever she was available, and never heard back. It has been years. I have reminded her of this offer.