he blew up again

I’ve been busy, I had a major school project due yesterday. And due to my mindblowing headaches for the past month, I was pretty much a vegetable for weeks, and not working on the project. So this past week has been epic, requiring tons of catching up and work.

You should see the stack of papers that comprised all the work involved in this project. There was a large stack of papers that was just the instructions for the assignment. and then a large stack of papers that comprised the 15 articles I had to read, summarize, and catalog into a database I had to create. and then I had to make that searchable, and then evaluate how effective my database system was.

And yeah, the final product was 25 pages long. that’s a tiny fraction of the amount of paper I used just to work through this whole project. it was huge. much huger than any undergraduate project I did. a bit mind blowing really. but I did it. and now I just have a final to do, which will be due this week.

you can imagine it has been really stressful. work continues to be quite stressful. I just worry that they wont even be great references for me, and I have always had families just be so thrilled with me. without fabulous references, I wont get great jobs in the future. I’d hate to lose this nanny career, I still need it. so I’m very anxious about it.

I’m a mess.

K blew up again at me.

This time it was because we have a deadline with the dj on the 8th.

this after I had been spending hours, literally hours, playing songs, looking for songs, creating a songlist for the dj, and working on filling out the song forms for the dj.

Kyle blew up and said we werent getting anything and he had to have decisions on songs and that we had a deadline, etc.

after pouting and acting pissed off for hours and generally being a pain in the ass to be around.

and he claims it is because of the deadline, but I flat out called him on that. it’s bullshit. he’s stressed out and as usual, is taking it out on me because he thinks that is just fine to do. and I’m freaking so furious.

I told him, ok, where’s your list of songs? what the hell have you done? how can you possibly claim I’m not working on this when you saw me working on it for hours today? how can you possibly be freaking out at me because we have a first draft list of songs we want for the specific requirements (first dance, last dance, etc).

I’ve got a final released today, due on the 9th, so I’ve got my own deadlines to deal with on top of the wedding deadlines, plus work stress is pretty huge, and this just infuriates me.

because it feels like disrespect. he’s not yelling at people at work, he’s yelling at me. and I try to tell him, look, this is me, this is me you are breaking, this is our very relationship you are breaking, is this bloody worth it for a stupid dj deadline?!?!

so I’m lying on the couch (not sleeping in the bed with him) with this all spinning in my head. this is so sucking right now.

I dont get it. I dont get why he thinks it’s just fine to blow up at me.

I dont want to live like this.