Getting what you want, part 2

Hi there.

Ok, let’s say you read part 1 and you wrote out what didn’t work for you (in work, relationships, your home, whatever you chose to work on). And you’ve worked through it to some degree. You know why it didn’t work for you.

So that looks like something like this:

My last job did not express much appreciation for my work.

And why did that not work for me? (this is a very important question!)

I did not feel appreciated, and it also made me feel really insecure about my job. I felt like my job could end at any time and that made me worry. It was hard to enjoy my job and I worried about money and my future because of that lack of appreciation.

So now, step 2.

And if you were paying close attention, there was a hint of this in the last entry. 🙂

Write out what did work for you.

Even the worst job, relationship, home, etc, has something good to it. You might need to look high and low for it, but do it. Look for any tiny little bit of good.

Why bother? If it was so bad, why would you bother to look for the good in it?

Because you attracted it into your life for some reason.

And you can learn from the good just as much as you can learn from the bad.

And I think you can get just as stuck if you forget to acknowledge the good.

So start hunting for the good that you appreciate. You might need to be creative, so work hard.

Here’s what that looks like.

In my last apartment, I found good things to list when it was hard to find them. Affordable rent, a lot of natural sunlight, hardwood floors, my own home with no roommates, quiet building, and it was quite pretty to me.

And then you write WHY that was good for you.

In that apartment, I love old buildings and think they are much prettier than ugly apartment buildings, so the beauty of the place made me happy. I love hardwood floors and they are also healthier than ugly old carpeting. I Need natural light, a lot, so I was very grateful for all the natural light my apartment got which gave me energy and happiness. The ability to live on my own without worrying about roommates with interpersonal struggles and depending on them for rent and utility payments helped me to feel safe and secure in my home. The quietness of the building made me feel safe and able to relax.

All of those things supported me and helped me to thrive while living in that home.

Ok, you need a different example, so let’s look at relationships. And I should point out that when you want to work on attracting a romantic relationship in your life, pay a lot of attention to all relationships in your life. You can learn a lot from friends and coworkers and neighbors – both how you relate to them and interact with them, and also by observing their lives. Watch their experiences and see if something they have would help you thrive or would drain you of all energy.

So I’ll use my last boyfriend as an example. I didnt mention him in the “things that didnt work” entry, but the things that did not work for me in that relationship included things like he started using drugs while we were dating, lied about it, and hid his drug use from me. Yeah, big huge things that didnt work.

And why did that not work for me? I felt insecure in the relationship once I discovered that he was lying to me. I did not want to be involved with someone who used drugs, so I felt betrayed when he used drugs. He stole medication from me, and that did not feel loving or kind, I felt that level of selfishness was pretty damaging.

So what did work in that relationship for me? What good could I take away from that last relationship?

He was kind to me, and he was really great with my cats. I learned that I really do well with someone who is kind to me, and who loves me. I learned that since my cats are very precious to me, I would need someone who was kind to my cats and liked them. I couldn’t date someone who didnt like cats. I also was very grateful that I got to experience someone loving me. That was the best thing from that relationship.

Why did that work for me?

I *felt* loved. I learned I need to be loved, to feel loved, to feel cherished. That strengthens me and supports me.

I need to feel that my cats are safe and taken good care of, and that a person in a relationship with me can help me with my cats. And that made me very happy.

And so once you’ve written about what did work for you, and why it worked for you, the next thing you do is focus on that good.

Think more about that good than the bad.

Think about how great you feel when you’ve got those good things.

And you can even add in other good things you would like to experience.

Like, wow, I absolutely love someone who is kind to me, and that makes me feel cherished. I would truly love someone who is also trustworthy in my life. That would make me feel even more cherished and safe.

And if the bad memories come to mind, resolve them. This is very, very important!

I look at unresolved things as a puzzle your brain is trying to find the answer to, so give your brain an answer. The nice thing is, if you’ve written all of these steps out, you have your answer to tell your brain.

So here’s how that looks.

You’re toodling along one day, and all of a sudden, you feel angry at someone. That jerk! He lied to me!

Right in that moment, you tell yourself, “Wow, that relationship didnt support me, I did not thrive in that relationship and I felt unsafe. What I really want is someone who is trustworthy. I think I would feel safe and happy in a relationship with someone who is very trustworthy.”

Or, you suddenly think:

I can’t believe they are firing me! After I did everything they wanted, and nothing made them happy!

You tell yourself, “I am so proud of my work with them. They were very demanding, and I fulfilled all of their demands well, and it was tough. That shows I am a great worker. At least that job paid me well, and I got a lot of hours to work for them. I didn’t enjoy that they never appreciated my work, but I appreciate that I did a great job. In my next job, I want to find people who really appreciate me *and* pay me well.”

See how I snuck in the benefits of that old job? All of a sudden I was telling myself I was grateful for the high pay and lots of hours in the job. That’s right from my list of what did work in that job.

It’s amazing how consistently answering these questions will work to resolve the unresolved in your mind.

When your thoughts about the past come up, answer them. As fast as you can.

If it keeps coming up and you don’t feel like your answer is really answering the question in your mind, check to make sure you have really listened to all the things that did not work for you. You might have another thing in your mind that didnt work that you forgot about. So write it out, write why it didnt work, and then write what would work better for you. And spend some time imagining what you want and why that would support you.

Ok, get to work. 🙂