depression or hypothyroidism?

I’ve been feeling really down lately, and now it seems to be getting really bad. today is pretty hard. but there are also a lot of situations going on that might be causing the depression. so I cant tell if it is that my thyroid is too low and stopping the medication a couple weeks ago was a bad decision (though the best guess at the time) or if it’s just these situations coming together to overwhelm me.

So I’m hoping you can help.

I feel low, like I’m walking in a daze to get the necessary things done, like go to work, survive a long work day, and go home.

The daze aspect is what I remember from the hypothyroidism symptoms.

My eyes are half open, another sign of the hypothyroidism I recall.

Here are the life situations lately.

K was diagnosed with Shingles a couple weeks ago, it was pretty harrowing as he was in a ton of pain, and I needed to help him. It was awful to see him in so much pain.

I also had excruciating headaches at that time, which lasted for a few weeks, I went to the doctor twice. The first time thinking it was a migraine that was really bad, the second time because migraine medication wasn’t really helping and it seemed to be really severe sinus headaches. I went on Sudafed every day for 8 days, but had to start it again (today, just after I finished on Monday) to help clear it up, the doctor’s prescription to do so.

I’m in a lot of pain today.

My adopted dad went into the hospital on Monday, he has dementia so it was very scary, it took a long time to get an update.

He had a bad infection (two, actually) and had been having small strokes whenever getting stressed.

so my adopted mom would say, yes you can come for Thanksgiving, no you cant, yes you can, maybe, no, yes, no all week.

We havent seen them since June.

I’m really deeply depressed about this.

I’ve tried for months to ask if we can visit, to offer to help mom, to watch the kids or dad to give her a break, to give her any kind of help she needs, and still, after 5 months, hear nothing. I’ve tried offering really specific help, or useful help, or just a casual and brief visit, but nothing.

K and I have talked about the whole social etiquette thing, in regards to flaky friends in particular, but really, if you keep inviting a friend (or family member) and they keep refusing, that basically conveys that they don’t really value the friendship and don’t really care. Whether you mean to or not, you can’t keep saying no and failing to offer invitations without it conveying that you really don’t want to see the person. And ultimately that you really don’t value them.

Pretty much if you refuse invitations, you have to have a really good reason, and then offer something else – when you are available, another outing, etc.

Otherwise, you just stop getting invitations.

And people move on without you.

So yeah, I understand my dad has dementia and is very fragile and is really not well and might go in a nursing home any day now, for the rest of his life. But we’re talking 5 months worth of noes. While I see facebook statuses that suggest he has had some socializing in that time.

Meanwhile, I realize the only days open that are not doubly scheduled between now and the wedding are December 18-19, and January 1-2. that is all that is left for seeing my family.

on the good side, we’re going to see my sister tomorrow, one of my bridesmaids, and her family. and maybe my other sister bridesmaid will come too. we havent seen them since June. lovely.

did I mention we cancelled the bridal shower plan? too much hassle, too much time, work and money on our part (I know, it’s not supposed to be, but my bridesmaids werent really doing much), and we just decided to invite friends out for drinks instead. I’m a bit irritated about no rsvp’s on that so far (it’s for next weekend).

work has been stressful. the parents come up with their crazy plans and have high expectations, and it’s just a ton of pressure. and I feel like my job security isnt great already, so when they make up some new crazy thing, I just cant help but to feel frustrated and irked.

I realized maybe they dont know that baby wipes are universally used as handy disposable washcloths by the rest of the world, so maybe that explains their freaking out about me using a baby wipe on their baby’s face? but yeah. it’s stressful there. and the more irked I am with them, the harder it is to be patient with the baby, let alone enjoy him, so then I feel like I’m not doing a great job.

I’m in school, much as I pretend I am not, and I have a big assignment due soon, I have no idea how soon, but as school ends by the 9th, yeah, soon. I need to do it. but as I’m a bit doubled over with the sinus headache pain, I keep thinking today is not the day to do it, I’ll wait until I’m not in so much pain.

It has been weeks of pain, so things get foggy after awhile. You can only put off things so long, really. But I’m not sure if things are foggy because of the many days of pain, or because of the thyroid, too.

I cant start the medication again until I get a blood test. Lovely that it is thanksgiving day when I realize it might be thyroid.

K is really not good at screening me for symptoms, despite many requests that he do so, and explaining what to look for. he misses it. I was hoping having someone here would help, as it’s very hard for me to see it myself.

My 43rd birthday is on Sunday, I think I’m bummed about that. rather a lot, probably more than I realize.

K has a student loan debt from his BA is now at about $55,000, who I help by paying a lot of bills and most of our food bill, so that he can give more to the loans to pay off. Now he wants to charge up another $60,000 in loans for some graduate school program, as yet undecided, but probably in the medical field.

I have a problem with that.

He makes about $2000 a month. His current minimum payment on his loans is $500, which is 25% of his income. He pays about $1000 a month (this varies, though he’s supposed to pay that much, sometimes he decides to drop it to $800 and eventually tells me about it, or not) right now to pay down the debt on the biggest loan with the highest interest.

He wants to go to school full time, which means he can’t make payments on his loan, and he wants to get loans to pay his living expenses too, on top of the school expenses.

Meanwhile, I am working 35-50+ hours a week, saving every dollar I have to pay for my school as I go, plus pay for wedding expenses, so that we are not burdened by debt.

I told him he just cant take on more debt. He first has to pay off this current debt, then build up savings so that he can afford to go to grad school. I still think he doesn’t quite get it.

Part of me thinks it’s just bloody unfair. I didnt charge up $62,000 in debts for just 2 years of a BA just because I didnt feel like working while going to school, nor did I host expensive parties for all my friends in that time. But he did. and those choices burden us a TON, right now. So how he thinks he can charge up $60,000 – which looks like it will end up being double that when he adds in life expenses on top of tuition, and that’s a rather loose/small estimate of tuition.

I just say no.

add to the fact that we hope to get pregnant in 2011, and we’