im not like them

i wont buy in.

 

 

take back everything you ever said

you never meant a word of it.

you never did

 

who are you kidding?

 

 

i have so many things to transfer into here. i have been writing on paper a lot lately.

i will start with my first writings of the new year.i was sitting on my friends couch in his basement as the new years party was coming to a close, cause everyone was getting tired, except the three of us on the couch, we were busy writing. so here it is. a half drunken ramble.

 

i cant write cause it hurts. it hurts to open my eyes, literally and metophorically. so much tragedy, from human emotion. its as though everyone is carelessly on self destruct. and its just so awful. it makes me want to cry so deeply. and i did tonight. i cried, and poured out my vulnerable little heart, and then had it ripped from my chest and smothered and dissolved before my eyes, something i never thought i would feel again. at least not so soon.and just to think i always get hurt the most when i entirely let my walls down and its because i entirely trust someone, and give them my heart, and words are so trivial, and emotions are so . . . we are so limited with words to express these emotions. i just hate watching someone im crazy about kiss people as though it were breathing, like it means NOTHING. when to me it means so much. so fucking much it hurts. to the point where i am physically ill. why am i so insignificant? why do people tell me i am so wonderful and amazing, and then proceed to walk all over me, then insist its still true? i cannot believe it. i just cant anymore, its a fucking lie. i feel like im a lie and i am subjecting myself to the way others treat me. and somehow i am losing myselfin all this. i am becoming numb. i am becoming the hollowed out drone i always hoped i would  never see. but i have to bite my lip and play pretend.

i will just smile, cause what else is there to do? people usually surrender to their own destructive impulses.

I BELIEVE THAT NOW.

 

 

 

what a way to start of the new year eh? haha. looking back, i think that was just a very trying night, a lot of new perspectives and such. i learned a lot that evening, or early morning rather. and writing was needed. i just had to vent somehow. so i did it the only way i know how.

i am still figuring things out, but i am very content.

i am so in love with the world, and all the beautiful moments that have built up in my life, even the harrowing ones, they have created me and my mindset. i adore every second.

 

 

She said, ‘Alright, alright slow down’
Oh no, oh no we won’t
Cause I regret everything that I said
To ever make her feel like she was something special
Or that she ever really mattered
Or did she ever really matter?

 

those last three lines echo through my mind daily.

do i really matter?  or are they just trying to make me feel that way?

love.love