i swear

that im dying

slowly, but its happening.

im getting that deep chill in my bones. where my flesh gets tense. and my heart beat quickens. at the scent of rain on the few leaves that have fallen. colors are peaking… and so are my organs. im falling in love with so many things. mostly myself. cause i realised… thats all i have. in the long run, there are no friends, there are no lovers. its just you and your aching heart and quivering thighs. and a smile. the world is to beautiful to be worrying about superficial pleasures and short term faked happiness. why cant any one else see that? i feel so alone most of the time. in fact i know i am.

love. just love.

a sad cliche song came on the radio today, during the car ride home. and it just crushed me. cause i looked around me, i was holding up little angelinas head cause she had fallen asleep, and carlos was asleep in front of me, and they both belong to doreen. and i just thought how lucky she is. to have such wonderful children and such a great man to call her own. it broke my heart cause that is all i want.

and that was proof that its real.

im a lush. or at least i wish i were sometimes.

i always feel as though im being lied to.

trust has vanished. to a degree.

wish i was somewhere on the gulf, counting stars.

love.love