hummingbirdd

When sky blue gets dark enough
To see the colors of the city lights
A trail of ruby red and diamond white
Hits her like a sunrise

Tonight she’s out to lose herself
And find a high on Peachtree Street
From mixed drinks to techno beats it’s always
Heavy into everything

She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can
She comes and goes and no one knows
She’s slipping through my hands

She’s always buzzing just like
Neon, neon
Neon, neon
Who knows how long, how long, how long
She can go before she burns away

i went to madrigals practice with Maxine today, and it just breaks my heart, listening to them sing. though it can never be the same now that Naylis is gone, my darling Nay Nay. i remember my sophmore year, i was in detention and heard them down the hall,so i sat there and just wrote for thirty minutes about how lovely they were, the riveting sounds that sent chills down my spine and stopped my heart. during the concert when i heard the mads sing agnus dei, i began crying, almost uncontrollably, i tried desperately to hide my face from my friends who were too busy gossiping to even notice. i placed my chin on my hands on the auditorium seat in front of me, and let their voices break over me like a storm. i have never heard anything sung so beautifully in my life. two years ago, i snuck into the judging room in the basement of the college for the Madrigals teen arts performance. i was on the floor behind the judges. i got so teary eyed, and just… uplifted, shaken. i know it sounds so silly to get these sensations, but they were just so powerful. it was the best of the best that year.

anyway, i just always get kind of sad, cause i never tried out. and never took chorus. and i feel as though i missed out on something huge. i always wanted to be part of something that beautiful. i want to kick myself in the ass everytime i think about it, cause i think i may have had a chance if i ever gave myself one.

miss Naylis told me no one is capable of writing about music the way i am, and she adored the fact about how passionate i was, especially towards madrigals.

and oh my oh my. while i was standing outside the chorus room, waiting for practice to end, a bunch of older men and women came filing in with instruments.it was so lovely, they sounded like theme music from eternal sunshine. but my heart hit the floor and shattered into a million pieces when the cellos rolled in. i couldnt help but stare wide eyed. there were three, lined up in the hall, different cases, and coloring on the wood. before i realized i blurted out "My god, that is gorgeous!" to the first woman that took it out of the case. she smiled and said thank you. i told her i have always wanted to play, but never got the chance. then she said she liked my shoes.

there are so many things i want to do, to learn, and see and hear. i fear i may never do so.

i fear so many things. today in english we were talking about exestentialism, that really got my thoughts reeling. i cant help but to over analyze. purposelessness, and creating your own standards.. and ahhhhhh! so much.

i told maxi how i feel today, how almost inevitably… you are alone, andi realized it, or maybe thats not true, but i felt it so deeply today. my parents know almost nothing about me, my friends only know me in intervals of .. reactions and opinions. it all seems so silly.

i am going to start training at the andover diner this weekend to be a waitress. that should be fun, cause costa makes me cry of laughter. i hope i do well. cause that would be a decent job.

i have so much to think about.

who knows how long she can go before she burns away.

love.love