house on a hill

okay i am just going to type what i free wrote in english because it is significant, and very unorganised. but it is what it is.

take it for that.

January 2, 2008

one two one two keep it together.

i feel as though no one listens when i speak.they like when my mouth moves, but in other ways. i have a few good friends, a small handful at best. it is unfortunate of course that i have been relatively distant with these few. { i have been playing too much with psuedo friends, or empty ones, or just not so close ones }. but maybe that is my own fault.maybe i shouldnt so readily instill hope and trust in people the way i do. it aches deeply, but this sensation, this gut wrenching pain, must be worth something. it simply has to be. has to have some significance. and also if only to be able to relate to other people on a new level. its tragic to think this, but i am in a room full of familair faces, experiances link us, yet they are all strangers to me now, and i wish taht were not the case. and i am curious that if by some chance i can redeem lost time. though its certain times in life when you see who your real friends are. and i hope more people can see the good in me than i think. this is all so jumbled. and everything feels like deja vu as of lately. i feel as though i have dreamt this all before and its reoccuring. i cried to melissa and told her how i hate tahat everything is temporary and that in that very moment we were the past. i told her that i miss her already. and i do. i dont know how or why it came to be but it did. i love her to pieces and carry so many emotions for her. and i try to tell her daily of my adoration. i read a quote somewhere that said something to the fact that : caring for or loving someone does not matter unless that person knows. and i dont want to waste any time, or not speak words that need to be spoken. to anyone about anything.

i am here and this is now.

tomorrow if i am feeling up to it i will type out what i wrote on new years. my post drunken rant. i was coming down and tuning into my brain waves and my heart, and signals may have clashed, but its always interesting to look back. and re-read and analyze.

i had a life altering conversation today. and am looking forward to more like that.

i guess my heart ached before, but this is something new. and this was 2 years ago.

love.love