catalyst

a year ago today

a door locked behind me

back pressing against cold tiles –

i pushed back

i pushed as hard as my

inebriated bones

could press. until –

my joints unhinged.

in that second i met

my eyes. – in

a large mirror opposite

my body.  a reflection,

to my suprise, was smirking.

in dissapointment. {if you can imagine that}

mirrored images moved –

a boy kissing down

my neck, pulling

at my hair. but

all i could do was stare.

knowing i could not sustain myself

by any other means.

80 proof blood holding me back,

and keeping me up. i couldnt breathe

i dared to raise above a whisper.

so i held m tounge,

pressed my lids,

and waited for a light.

release of pressure.

click

and its down the stairs, down the spiral.

and wake up in an apartment

with new colors to flaunt.

black and blue and purple thighs.

and regenerating flesh,

it made a glass in my eyes.

that seeped in,

so now its behind

every smile,

every word,

every molecule i deem to be me.

spinning, tipping, choking. but i blinked . and im here. and im still breathing, despite the curling in my stomach and the words everyone throws around, ive still managed to smile, and think some things up. and and and. trust some people with some secrets that i shouldnt have, they always say they understand, but then they fuck me harder than that night.  people make me sick, but they make me so elated. and lovely and grateful. and give me flutterbies.

maybe i should just be more careful with my words. if thats possible.

 

so was virtue worth a liquor?

 

no, but it was worth the best lesson ill ever learn

 

 

love.love