…ugh. again? really? c’mon kimbar. get over it.

Writing here never actually helps. I suppose that’s why I write here less and less. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I need to stop talking to people about this crap but I just want to unload on everyone I see because I need to talk about it – I need to get it out – that’s how I handle shit – but at the same time, talking about it never helps. So I just talk about it to another person. And then another one. Until everyone I’ve talked to wants to avoid me because I’m just going to be a downer.

That’s how it always is.

Things that will be happening in the near future:

• Panda, Justin, and I will be having a conversation in which Panda informs me, in a very condescending way that insinuates I’m going to throw a temper tantrum, that Justin is moving in since he basically lives here anyway, and that this will involve us switching rooms because it’s fair that they get the larger room as between the two of them, they’ll be paying 2/3 of the rent.
• I will try not to throw a temper tantrum. It’s hard to explain why I’m upset about this change. Maybe it’s partially because it is a change and I want stability…maybe it’s because I feel like a third wheel in my own home…maybe it’s because Panda’s stuff is everywhere in this apartment and I feel like I have one section of apartment that is mine, and she wants me to take a smaller section while her stuff continues to bleed all over the apartment (all of the furniture, bathroom stuff, kitchenware, etc., is hers, and all of her clothes and other things get left out all over the place – which I don’t normally care about, because I have my room…but she wants to change rooms and I would end up with an even smaller place to call my own. But of course, it’s fair for this to happen, because as I said above, they’d be paying 2/3 of the rent between the two of them)…or maybe it’s just because Panda hasn’t asked me if she can move Justin in, and she didn’t ask me if we could switch rooms. She informed me that these things were happening. She has been saying, "When Justin moves in. When he finally moves in." And then she’ll finish up with, "Of course, when that happens, we’ll be switching rooms." And then Justin said it. "When I move in…" And now we’re going to have the Talk. I will control my temper. Watch me play nonchalant. I’ve already told her I understand why she wants to change the rooms and that yes, that’s okay. We’ll have to find room for my bookshelf in the living room. I don’t know why she told Jorge that I’ve been throwing a trip fit and that I don’t see why they should have the larger room. But it pisses me off that she’d say that to him. Maybe…I’ve got it. Maybe it’s because I’m a little tired of her entitled sense of reality. It’s fine on its own. It’s less fine when she starts informing me that big changes are going to happen instead of asking me how I feel about them happening. I think I’d be less freaked by, "Can I move my boyfriend in, and since he has so much stuff…can we have the bigger room?" than I am by, "When my boyfriend moves in, we’re switching rooms."
• Panda and I will have a conversation that we should never have to have about how I can’t put her in the position of choosing between loved ones. This conversation will be on the heels of what happened earlier tonight, where a bunch of joking led to a much more serious conversation about the fact that I won’t allow anyone who hits me to stay in my apartment. I very rarely call this my apartment; when I do, it’s because I feel like my rights to the apartment are being threatened. It ended with me informing them both that if it ever comes down to it, and Justin ever hits me, since she was very adamant that he will not have to leave the apartment, I will find somewhere else to live. I’m not putting her in the position of choosing between loved ones at that point. I’m making a personal decision about how I’m comfortable being treated, and I’m not comfortable living in an apartment where that’s okay – because it’s not. I will not hit him back. I will not send him to his room. I will simply remove myself from this living area and find somewhere else to live. Since this isn’t something that any of us should ever have to worry about, it shouldn’t be as big of a deal as it was made into. So this conversation will take place – and it shouldn’t have to.

Things that will probably happen in the near future:

• Another Panda-Kimbar conversation about Jorge, and how he’s not allowed to move in and it’s not okay for me to spring that on her. This conversation won’t occur because I sprung anything on her, but Jorge approached Panda earlier today to get her permission for moving in if he got a job and she said she’d have to talk about it. The conversation will either never happen, or it’ll happen and it won’t go well. I think there was talk over summer about how if Jorge comes back I’m not allowed to move him in here. I don’t really care about that, but the fact that Jorge asked her like that after he and I hadn’t had a chance to more than joke about it in the car, it does kind of put me in an awkward position.
• I will spend time with a girl I knew from high school who is into heavier women, who is in an open relationship, and who likes me. We made out today at Rumors after Jorge and I left here. I will question how I feel about the fact that she wants me and likes me when I don’t even like myself, the fact that I’ve liked her since high school, and the fact that she’s got a girlfriend. I’d be someone she spends time with when she’s up here on the weekends. And if sex ever factors into the equation, I’ll have to ask myself how I feel about having sex for the first time with someone who’s dating someone else.
• I will stop talking about these things to people because it doesn’t help. It just brings other people down when they don’t need to be. And it’s only my side of the story. If I’m pissed that Panda’s telling Jorge that I’m throwing fits and power trip (power trips over Justin’s playful threat to hit me with the spatula – which was playful, and teasing, and I teased back, until he and Panda started seriously debating his right to do that without serious consequences).

Bah humbug. I need to sleep, but my stomach is twisting. Things are moving too fast. Today should not have been as eventful as it was. I would like a less eventful day, please. I might be hanging out with Kay tomorrow. I might be hanging out with Jorge. I was supposed to hang out with Panda but she changed her plans pretty early in the night, before she even mentioned that she and Justin and I needed to have a house meeting.

Gah! By telling Jorge that I’m having fits and rolling on power trips, she’s now made me out to be a petty, self-involved person, and there’s no way I can have any objections to anything that’s coming up. If I say I have reservations about him moving in, about me giving up my room, or anything at all…it’s just me being unreasonable. That’s how she’s going to see it. She won’t be hearing anything I’m actually saying. This means that my only course of action to avoid seeming like a child throwing a temper tantrum is to give in completely. Make no fuss. Full-heartedly agree.

She wasn

‘t dating anybody when we first talked about moving in and discussed what house rules we would have. If she had been, there would have been some sort of a rule about this.

Part of me wants to dig my feet into the sand and be the petulant child just because I’m fucking pissed off at the way she’s going about this whole thing. Another part of me hates the idea of being that and doesn’t want to be seen that way, and wants to just give in completely.

But everybody already sees me as a very submissive person. They all think I’m very shy, have to be treated with kid loves, talked down to, I don’t understand a lot of their stuff because I don’t go out much, I don’t drink much, I don’t smoke, never done drugs, still a virgin, I don’t go bar hopping, I’m not down at the Shoe that often, all of that crap. I’m so tired of being thought of that way and treated that way. I’m so tired of giving in to avoid any sort of confrontation. Which just fuels their view of me. I need to voice these things to Panda. That’s the only person I should be talking to. But I can’t talk to her. She’s never available, and when she is she’s got Justin with her, and even if I can get her alone I don’t know how to get her to understand how I’m actually feeling about all of this.

If you’re wondering, then yes, it is partially because I don’t even know how I’m feeling about all of this.

I’m still trying to figure that out.

I need to sleep. That’s vital at this point in time. Night guys.

– VdS