long time no speak.

Okay. Reality update anyone?

Amanda Black turned around and found herself a different phone the very next day so I still have both of my phones, and my mother wants me to keep my phone in case Virgin doesn’t work out and I want to go back to T-Mobile. So far, it’s working out.

I’m actually okay monetarily right now so when I say I’m doing stupid things monetarily, I’m not really. This will all help in the long run and right now I can afford it. Don’t tell Brian that though – I lent him $50 some time ago and he was supposed to pay me back when his check came in that Monday, and he still hasn’t paid me back. He acted a bit offended that I asked if his check was in when that Monday rolled around. So…fuck it. But I did tell him that I need the money back by the first at the very latest, so hopefully I’ll have that by then. Hence why Brian shouldn’t find out that I’m doing okay monetarily. I’d still like to get that money back. You know – on time.

Anyway, that aside. My life as it stands: picked out the classes for next quarter and have a couple of possible work schedules to go over with the teachers I’m working for. I think I’m going to go with the one that has me working five days for only a couple of hours each day, so I might just tell them my schedule instead of letting them decide which one they want. The other option is me working three days for longer hours. I’d rather get the chance to sleep in. Might help me with this next thing:

I’m going to try to lose weight again. For the record, I never actually stopped. I mean, I did, but I didn’t. I’ve actually been trying to eat healthier since I was in seventh grade. I just let myself get sidetracked after a short period of time and then have a few months of going back and forth between whatever plan I had and the cheating until I realize that I’ve completely thrown the plan and am not doing anything, and then a little while after that I decide to start all over again.

The thing is: I can do it. I’ve lost weight fairly regularly before. Then I got sidetracked. It’s crap. I shouldn’t do that.

Anyway, a few days ago I started one again. Got this little app on my phone to keep track of everything and all that crap, figured I’d delete it in a few days but it was at least worth checking out. It’s weird though because it gives me tasks to do (logging food, doing exercise, and then a couple of other things) and it gives me points for doing them so it’s almost like a game, and for some reason my brain really wants to prove that I can win that. For the record, I may or may not have competitive issues. Major competitive issues. Huge motherfvking competitive issues. So whatever. If my brain likes it, then we’ll go with it. I’m going to try to change the way I eat and keep up with these exercises. I’ll let you know in a little bit how it goes.

The thing is though – I know that I need to do this. I’m 23 years old. I’m a virgin because I’m 330lbs, +/- ten pounds. I have breathing problems, a bad back, constant exhaustion, depression and self hatred because of what I see in the mirror, my feet are constantly killing me, I’ve always got headaches and light-headedness…and there’s a lot that I would love to be able to do that I can’t do. There are clothes that I want to wear. Things I want to do like hiking and climbing and running that I’m currently incapable of doing. There are people I want to be with. Am I tired of being overweight? Fuck yes I’m tired of being overweight. Is it my own fault? Fuck yes it’s my own fault. I could have changed my habits a long time ago. It’s hard, though, and so I always give in. Changing a life pattern is just a bit on the difficult side and it’s always easier to fall back into what’s comfortable.

So – I really hope I can do this. I’m 3 years into my twenties and this is just absurd. At this point it will take me at least two years to get down to a healthy weight. That means half of my twenties – wasted on being overweight. I don’t want to waste all of my twenties on this.

Just in case you’re wondering – this was kind of more a needed pep-talk for myself than anything else.

I really need to change shit in my reality. I need to get my weight, my money, and my organization under control.

– VdS