Sitting with Cancer

Tuesday and Wednesday were the “retreat” for our homeschool commonwealth.  Retreat is a deceptive name to me.  Far too much structure and meetings to qualify as a retreat.  Far too much stress.  By day 2, I was hiding out in the bathroom whenever I could and eating more food just to handle it all.  As I looked around though, I realized that these women — I think there’s about 20 of us there when everyone comes — all consider themselves part of one big, comfortable friend group.  They’re sincerely and thoroughly enjoying this same event that I am miserably trudging through.

Same physical location; radically different experiences.

I started thinking about it more and more, and although I do absolutely fantastic with interacting with “the public” and having a cheerful, outgoing, truly happy experience in public (thank you, 10th house Gemini!) I am totally uncomfortable in friend groups (not-so-much-thank-you, 11th house Cancer…) and that’s not likely to change.

Realizing that me feeling uncomfortable with these women — who I’ve seen more or less every week for the past two years — isn’t a them problem, it’s a me problem, and realizing it probably won’t change much (which only hit me when I realized all this was of course clearly spelled out in basic astrology, duh) was a lot to come to terms with.  A lot.

And I suppose people could call it social anxiety.

I’m not really sure how I feel about labeling it.  In conversation, anxiety always seems to  get paired with depression, and I don’t really feel any depression.  I also feel no anxiety at all when I stay current with homeopathic recommendations, but I’m just not sure I want to go through the trouble/expense.

It’s sorta like realizing you’ve been carrying around some backpack that has slowly been accumulating more and more weight, and realizing that the people around you don’t have that same backpack.  No wonder they’re quick, lithe, and cheerful.

Anyway, it is what it is.  I can just sit with this understanding for as long as I want.  I can handle it however I want.  I can let it sink in and make friends with this part of myself, for she, too, deserves love.

Val