blog-lurking

I’ve been an LDS blog lurker for a while… totally engrossed in the ones focusing on doctrine, church talks, humor, and whatnot. My favorite entry was “How Do the Twelve Eat their Reese’s?” (or something like that). Not very profound, but much funnier than it sounds.

Then, at the OB/GYN today, (let me interrupt to give you an update: no news, which is NOT good news,) I was reading some article in the only magazine that wasn’t entitled “CHILD,” “PARENTING,” or “I’M FERTILE, AND YOU’RE NOT,” I read some article about the explosion of mommy-blogs.

And it made me want to write an LDS blog on infertility.

So I’ve been plotting out topics my imaginary entries.

1. Childless, going on our third anniversary in the Married Ward

2. The experience of repeatedly breaking into tears while teaching gospel doctrine, and how humiliating it gets after a while

3. how stuck you feel, not really being a newly-newly-newlywed anymore, but not fitting in with those who’ve had a few kids already

4. How you know that when you really have faith, things won’t bug you the way they do now. And how you want to be like that, but all you do is drive yourself crazy with guilt in the meantime

5. The guilt of knowing you don’t deserve what you’re asking for

6. Quarrentining all pregnant people

7. (I’d list more, but my laptop battery is dying and I left the charger at school)

…Yeah. Well, there is sort-of news, if you want the whole story. But it’s long, and complicated. And if you were talking to me, you’d try and sound all optimistic about my news. But it’s not worth being optimistic over. I don’t need anybody to get my hopes up for me. I’m reminded of Marilla’s words to Anne (…I feel twelve starting a sentence like that, but I shouldn’t. Remembering and drawing from the good books around you is exactly what I try to encourage my students to do): “You soar too high, and come crashing back to earth.” Or something like that. It’s not a life-altering line, but it is how I feel when I hope.

Some days, I’d rather be realistic.

Why do I only write when I’m really in a zinger of a mood? Sorry.

Kella