The neverending dilema…

The Pre-calc exam went well (96), but the online networking course isn’t going so well. It began a week ago when I had a hard time deciphering what the hell the instructor wanted me to write for a weekly summary. His instructions were unclear, he hadn’t been very present in the discussions or in guidance, and there wasn’t much to talk about after one week since we’d barely gotten started. Wait, that was almost two weeks ago. A week ago I was stressing because my second weekly summary was coming due and he hadn’t graded the first one, so I had no idea if I had managed to figure out his intent or not. Also, only one out of four other people from my group had checked in and that guy didn’t have his book yet. On top of not grading the first weekly summary, he also screwed up in not posting the week 2 discussion questions, so there was nothing other than the reading to report on! Then he realizes he’s screwed up and posts the questions for week 2 and week 3 at the same time. I ask him what I’m supposed to do about week 2’s summary and he said to just submit it anyway. I did that, and week 3’s is due in two days, but now I have a participation problem.

I missed the window for the first exam because I misread the dates with the am/pm times. I planned on taking it after work today, but misread the fact that the window ended at noon today. Crap, oops, oh well. The lowest score is dropped anyway. I also haven’t been participating in the week 2/3 discussions like I did in week 1 because it’s crap. Plain crap. This stuff is cut and dry. The questions don’t really spark much discussion other than one person answering and everyone else trying to figure out how to look like they can build on it in some small way to show participation. I can’t do it. I just can’t. I don’t have time to come up with lame-ass ways to translate head nodding into words without saying, “yeah, what he said.” In Week 1 I could contribute. During the introductions, I could contribute. Getting acquainted with the online interface, I could contribute by helping people. Now it’s down to cut and dry textbook answers – not discussions. I didn’t think I’d have a problem with participation in an online course. I can write and write and write no problem (unlike speaking in class.) Apparently the fact that it’s a class is still a problem. I still can’t be myself – or rather, successfully pretend to be someone I’m not (one who participates out of pure ambition.) I’m not that confident I guess… or I’m just not that enthusiastic about the material (but if I rely on that I’ll never participate.) Even if we were studying my favorite subject, or something that I could really get into, it wouldn’t happen. I’m just a loner. I learn best one on one when I can pump my instructor for information at my own pace. I absorb concepts pretty quickly when provided in a logical order – when I can control the direction and flow. Other people in class disrupt my learning to no end. I’m not a control freak. I just know how I learn best.

Anyway, part 1 of the group project is due in two days as well and I’m the only one who has suggested a topic for our presentation. Two other people have agreed with me, one is cool with whatever, the other may or may not have his book yet, and the last one hasn’t even checked in to the class yet.

I don’t want to lead this. I’m not a leader. I’m not good at presenting things. I don’t want to make the decisions and end up choosing a topic too broad so that we fail to cover it or even complete the presentation. Is it just fear of responsibility? I avoid things like this at work toAo. I suppose someone has to do it, but someone else usually steps up that is willing to do it. Do I really have to cope with this now? Can I get through life without being a leader? Not everyone needs to be a leader. I don’t want to be a sheep, but I don’t have to be a leader either. There has to be some middle ground. Or do I have to go through life pretending to be one or the other? Or do I have to go through life manipulating others into doing what I cannot do myself?